In This Life
by Eyes-of-Pearl
Summary: Complete! Original Reela. Crossover with A Walk to Remember. Landon Rollins Carter hoped to start anew, as Dr. Ray Landon Barnett of County General. Neela thought that she had the perfect life until death comes calling and everything changed.
1. Prologue

**In This Life**

_by: Eyes-of-Pearl_

**Rating**: K+

**Disclaimer**: ER and A Walk to Remember (which includes the movie and its soundtrack) belongs to their respective owners.

**Author's Note & Synopsis**: AU. I found it surprising that Shane West are in both ER and A Walk to Remember. The more I thought about it, the more I could draw similarities from it. Hence, the creation of this story.

I have every intention for this to be a Reela, so Reela fans won't be disappointed. However, I must warn you I am trying to portray the Ray Barnett that we see in the ER from the Landon Carter that we see in Awtr so I will apologize beforehand if the characters appear to be OOC. I will emphasize that this is AU and the sequence of events from both series will be changed accordingly to fit this story.

* * *

**In This Life**

Prologue

He made a list of all the things that he wanted to do in life. Right there, near the top was to leave Beaufort, North Carolina. He grew up in this little port town all his life, going to the same schools with the kids that he knew from the time he was old enough to terrorize the sandbox. He knew all the locals, and more often than not, sat with them every Sunday at the Baptist Church for the service. He had a reputation around the town for being a world-class jerk for the early part of his life. It had gotten to the point that the principal would have his mother on speed dial because he was such a frequent visitor. It was probably not the best record to hold when you go in for parent-teacher interviews.

Of course, everything changed during his senior year at Beaufort High. He and his friends pulled a prank, one that landed another kid at the hospital. To his indignation, his punishment was to participate in the school play and to tutor young children at a local school. There was no way he could have pulled it off without help, while keeping some semblance of dignity.

Before he knew it, he found himself asking for help at the doorsteps of the Reverend's daughter. She was the star of play and a wondrous singer. Against his own expectations, he had fallen for Jamie Elizabeth Sullivan, the very daughter and the school's 'outcast'. He was ashamed to admit that he and his friends were a source of a great deal of teasing throughout Jamie's educational career.

Yet, through her faith and optimism in God and life, she taught him a lesson in humility, to live and to hope. However, God had other plans for Jamie when she succumbed to her battle with leukemia at the age 18.

A part of him died that day with his wife, and his first true love. So, with the blessings from those closest to him, he hardened his heart and left his home town to pursue his dreams of going to medical school and becoming a doctor. Little did he know that fate had other plans in stored for him and nothing would ever be the same again.

-o-o-

She thought that her life was perfect. She had the most supportive parents and siblings. She was on her way to having a successful career as a medical doctor and her parents were very proud of their daughter's achievements. She considered herself lucky to be multicultural, getting the best of both worlds while living in England under an Indian heritage. Now, she was given a great opportunity to intern in the United States. She thought that everything was going to be so perfect.

Perfection became a distorted illusion when reality sank in. At the hospital, she found herself intruding on a close-knitted family of ER staff. True, she was from England, spoke English but she was still part Indian. She was what one of the staff kindly termed as those "third-world" doctors who couldn't speak proper English. She found herself overwhelmed and falling behind despite all her previous knowledge. She was so unhappy that she even contemplated leaving medicine all together.

That was when her parents intervened and told her in no pleasant terms, that they would disown her if she had taken such a course. After all, she was the eldest daughter and needed to maintain the family name and honour. Besides, they were paying for her to go to school.

At that point of utter solitude, she found herself falling in love for fellow colleague, Dr. Michael Gallant. He was kind and supportive, always had a complement to spare. He was dedicated to the profession but also loyal to his country. He left to serve in Iraq and fought for his fellow Americans.

For a year, she waited, wishing and praying for the occasional correspondence from him until one day, they came no more. Instead, she got the ominous phone call which notified her of his death. She was alone again. Closing off her heart and transferring what remaining energy she had, she delved into her work. She didn't want to be hurt again, so she worked harder, always trying to keep up. She maintained an image of perfection, always courteous and professional.

Until one day, fate intervened. Before she knew it, her best laid plans and her self-erected walls began to crumble and change.

End of Prologue

* * *

AN: I figure that it will be nice to have a brief summary of Awtr for those who haven't seen the movie. As well, this sets up for what I hope will be the premise for my fic, so how was that? Let me know what you guys by leaving a review, 'k.


	2. 1 My New Roommate

Standard disclaimers applied. See Prologue for further details.

**Author's Note**: Aw Thanks for everyone's interest so far in an ER & Awtr crossover. I do have to admit that I have few chapters written already but the ending ... that's still up to speculation, so you just have to wait and see what happens. Anyways, all of you should be happy to know that the subsequent chapters will be longer than the Prologue, so enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 1: My New Roommate**

"Well, I think that's the last of it. I hope I haven't forgotten anything."

Abby Lockhart did a quick inspection around what used to be her apartment and made a mental check off in her head. Satisfied with her self inspection, she balanced the last remaining box in her hand and dug into her jeans for her set of keys. Turning to her ex-roommate, she said triumphantly, "Ok, here are my set of keys, Neela. Thanks for the help with all that packing."

Nodding and waving off with a welcome, the shorter girl replied, "If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask."

Abby smiled at the offer. She had first asked the young Indian med student to move in with her. They had become good friends but like any set of roommates, they had their many moments. There were times when Abby wanted to shoot herself in the head but it helped with the rent and it was nice to have someone just around the next wall. Now, Abby was ready for something different, since she and Jake had been going steady for awhile. Abby even surprised herself by the extent of the relationship but she had no regrets with agreeing to move in with him. Speaking of which, Abby remembered the box in her hand and her boyfriend who was waiting outside in his car for her. "Thanks, Neela. I'll see you at work on Wednesday. I took two days, so I'll see you then." With that, she was gone.

Neela Rasgotra sighed as she closed and locked the door behind her. Already, she was missing Abby. It was true that the two doctors didn't always get along. Neela would admit that she had some compulsive habits that drove others up the wall but Abby was very patient and more often than not, took it in stride. Life at County General Hospital was getting better now, after her graduation and earning a residence placement. She often got on with very little sleep but having a place of her own was heavenly after a long day in the ER.

Since Abby made the announcement about moving in with Jake, Neela had been trying to find potential tenants to help share the rent. A couple of weeks later with ads posted in local papers and through word of mouth, there was still no luck. Neela hoped to find somebody soon, or else, she would need to find a cheaper place because there was no way she could afford to pay the rent herself.

-o-o-

The phone rang incessantly for about two minutes. He growled slightly as he opened the door of his bathroom to grab the cordless phone off the wall. "Barnett," he nearly snapped into the receiver.

Holding the phone in one hand and tugging it between his head and shoulder, he used the towel in his other hand to pat himself dry.

"Landon?"

There were very few people who still called Ray Landon Barnett with this name and the feminine voice gave away the identity of the caller.

"Hey ma." Ray felt a little self conscious now, being clad only in a towel when he came out of the shower. He hoped that his mother wasn't offended by his curt tone.

"Landon, the phone has been ringing for two minutes, what took you so long?"

"Ma, I was in the shower," he sighed.

"Now, Landon Rollins Carter, don't get that tone with me."

"Now ma ..."

"Don't now ma - me, young man. Just because you live in a different state, doesn't mean that I have given up my right to be your mother. Now, I missed hearing from you. The Reverend said that you sent him a card on his birthday. That was very thoughtful of you. Now, tell me what is happening with you, Landon."

Ray, or Landon as he was called, chuckled at his mother's tirade. She had been shocked - to put it mildy - when her son told her of his plans of leaving Beaufort. She was nearly rendered comatose by his decision to change his name, though he decided to keep the his first name, 'Landon' while leaving the rest. His reason was simple, "I need to do this. I'm not the same person anymore, Ma and I don't pretend to be."

Landon had applied to several universities around the country with his sights set on medical school. Mrs. Carter was proud when her son, emerged in a graduation gown and told her that he had been given an internship at County General Hospital in Chicago.

Cynthia Carter understood her son more than she was sometime given credit for. She knew that he needed to find a way to deal with everything, so she reluctantly left him go to find his way in the world. He had matured so much since Jamie, but there was a part of Landon that would always grief and pine for her.

After leaving Beaufort, he submerged himself into work. For awhile, it helped him forget because med school was very stressful and demanding. However, it didn't mean that Landon changed completely. Many of his former personality still remained. He was passionate, and devoted. He had a stubborn streak that was longer than the state border, so Cynthia knew that he was determined enough to stick through the end. He had a certain charm to him that drove those around him crazy. It was his saving grace over the course of eight years. He made a handful of good friends, but none of them knew the full extent of his past. Other were just acquaintances for he would allow few to get into his heart again.

The only time Landon allowed himself to be truly free was through his music. Bret and his bandmates were part of the privilege few who were good friends with Ray Landon Barnett but even they barely knew the Landon Rollins Carter of the past. Music served as a medium for self expression and Landon lost himself in the world of rock, even though Cynthia never truly approved her son's rocker-jock ensemble plus the black nail polisher and gel-up hair.

Landon and his father became closer than before and kept in touch as Landon worked his way through medical school.

"Ma, how's everything in Beaufort?"

Ray listened attentively to the many anecdotes that had accumulated since his departure. He was shock but happy that his high school friends, Belinda and Dean stayed around the area. The Reverend's health was keeping etc.

The conversation continued thus. "I talked to dad the other day. Yeah, he came down to help me settle into my apartment a couple of weeks ago. I'm looking for a new roommate. It would help with the rent a little bit... yes ... I know, ma... yes .. I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be? County General Hospital isn't the Ritz but so far so good. ... I guess."

He hang a couple of minutes later with a promise to call her sometime next week. Ray looked at the clock and cursed. His shift was going to start in less than a hour. Finishing with getting ready, he grabbed his backpack and guitar on his way out. Stuffing his keys into his jean pocket, he hurried to work.

-o-o-

Dr. Susan Lewis always looked for punctuality in her staff. After all, if you are working in one of the most unpredictable place in the ciy, you need as many of your staff on hand to face it head on. She was about to start on a lecture about time management, when she saw the blur figure of Ray Barnett streamed by her on his way to the lockers.

"Yo, doc," was his hurried greeting.

She shook her head. As much as she wanted to be mad at him, there was something about Ray that was elusive. She saw the way he handled patients. He had a way to distant himself while connecting with them at the same time. Of course, he also had a habit of discharging them in a rate that was faster than the high tide crashing against the shore.

She was interrupted from her musing when Dr. Neela Rasgotra came to the admissions desk to grab another chart. Susan watched the young Indian doctor as she signed of the chart that was in her current possession. Now Neela on the other hand, would never discharge her patients so quickly. She was extremely thorough and had been dubbed the 'walking book of facts.' Dr. Lewis saw the innocence and purity that Michael Gallant fell in love with and that Greg Pratt admired. Neela had a way to warm herself into people's hearts.

It's been a couple months since the death of Gallant. Every loss at County was hard, especially if it was one of their own. If possible, Neela further retreated into herself and her work. It was always Dr. Rasgotra, the professional, rather than Neela the woman. Susan felt a loss as to how to offer comfort and even Abby who was by-far the closest to Neela was helpless in that respite. They finally came to the conclusion that time may be the best medicine.

Neela felt Dr. Lewis' gaze upon hers. She wondered briefly if she did something wrong. Looking up from her chart, she asked, "Is everything alright, Dr. Lewis?"

The older blonde seem to shook herself from the reverie and said, "Oh, I'm fine. How about you, Neela? I heard that Abby moved in with Jake."

Neela nodded, "Yes, and I've been trying to find a new roommates for a couple of weeks now. So far, no luck."

The two women was interrupted by a voice behind them. "Who said something about needing a roommate?"

Ray hadn't meant to eavesdrop on the conversation but he couldn't help it because he was going to pull up a few charts. He was just glad that Dr. Lewis decided to forgo a lecture about coming to work on time.

"Yes, I have a opening at my apartment," Neela replied to his question.

Ray cocked his head to one side. He had only been interning here for a few weeks, so he didn't recognize the shorter woman in front of him. His eyes darted to her name tag: Neela Rasgotra. "Well Neela, I have an opening at my place too."

She looked up at him as if seeing him for the first time. His breath was caught. In her eyes, he saw something foreign, something akin to grief and sadness and he wondered what could the source. The way that she stared at him, it was though she was trying to unravel the intricacies that was his past. Then, she smiled and her face radiated for a brief moment, so fast that he wasn't sure if he imaged it himself.

She was beginning to feel self conscious of the silence between them, until she noted with a blush that it was her turn to comment. "Well, umm... why don't I give you a call and we can set something up?"

She was flustered but she was grateful that he didn't seem to mind. The ringing from a beeper broke the awkward silence. Susan looked up apologetically, when she said, "Sorry."

Indeed, the older doctor was sorry because she really wanted to see the end of the conversation. It was rare to see Neela so tongue tied, so she decided to store that little piece of information to her memory. The fact that Barnett was acting extremely suave struck a cord.

Neela saw the retreating back of Dr. Lewis before she remembered that it was her turn to say something again. Taking a quick glance at his name tag, "Here's my address and number, Barnett." She quickly took her notepad and scribble frantically on it. Thrusting the single piece of paper in his hand, she then grabbed her charts without looking back at him.

-o-o-

She had put the incident out of her mind for the rest of the shift. Although, she and Ray Barnett did work alongside each other when a trauma came in. They worked silently though, trying to gauge the other's style. Their early conversation was unaddressed, so Neela was surprised to see Ray waiting for her at the end of the shift. She had pulled an overtime because Dr. Carter had to leave urgently on a personal matter. "I figure I'll come with you to see your place right now, if you don't mind," the intern explained.

"No, it's fine." He motioned for her to lead the way and like their previous conversation, they lapsed into silence. Neela was too tired for small-talk and Ray didn't press.

Neela's apartment was only a short walking distance after they got off the subway. The whole place was cozy but there was a sense of coldness in the air that Ray couldn't quite place. He just dismissed it as the draft in the air. The place was bit small and cramp for his style. Not only that, it was a bit out of the way from where he did his gigs with his band. He didn't voice all of this, instead, he said, "How much you said was the rent?"

Neela named a price to which Ray replied, "Well, my place is only two stops from here. It's bigger with a great view from the balcony. It's a slightly more expensive but I think we can scrape by with the two of us to split the rent. Why don't you come by and see it tomorrow, before we decide who moves where."

However, it wasn't much of a choice because Neela knew that everything felt right the moment she stepped into the apartment. There was a sort of warmth which she immediately contributed to the amazing view. She saw Chicago at its finest, with the backdrop of the newly-risen sun against the glistening windows of skyscrapers. The balcony itself was really part of the fire escape, but she was surprised by the presence of a large telescope there. The apartment itself was barely furnished, but Ray's guitar and music equipment had taken residence there as well.

"Alright, Ray," she said as she turned to the intern. She couldn't shake the feeling that this was where she belonged.

"Alright, roomie," he returned, holding his hand outstretched sealing the deal.

End of Chapter 1

* * *

AN: I know this is kinda slow right now, more general background stuff, but I appreciate any input from you guys. Don't forget to r/r.


	3. 2 Deja Vu

Standard disclaimers applied. See Prologue for further details.

**Author's Note**: Thank you so much for everyone's interest so far. I really hope that an ER-Awtr crossover is working out so far. I have exams for the next two weeks, so it will probably be a little late before I post the next chapter (it's already written but I have to find time to post it). Sorry about that!

* * *

Chapter 2: Deja vu

With that, Neela tied up old business from the other apartment and moved in with Ray. She had anticipated a huge adjustment period but she was surprised by the opposite. Due to their schedules, she rarely saw Ray. She worked the morning shift and came home to crash onto her bed. By then, he would probably be on his way out to one of his gigs or just about to start the midnight shift. By morning, she would be up eating breakfast, when the sound of his house keys inserting into the lock could be heard.

Whenever they had a chance to meet, it was done with a cursory nod of the head. They communicated through impersonal post-it notes that were on the fridge, on the shelves, or on the doors of their respective bedrooms. It was unspoken that Ray took care of the utilities and the rent as Neela would leave her share of the payment in a carefully-marked envelop and attached with a magnet to the fridge. Likewise, another envelope with money inside could be found next to it from Ray for Neela to buy groceries, hygiene products and the little things for the apartment. This was their routine for about a month into their living arrangements, until the new schedules came out and they were both got stuck doing the afternoon rotation.

Then, they seemed to see each other everywhere, at work and at the apartment. They had opposing working habits. Neela liked to take their time with her patients, no matter how difficult the case. By the time the health history was done, she would know the names of every pet that they had since the age of five. She was thorough, and sometimes got yelled at by Weaver and Pratt for ordering unnecessary tests. Beyond that, her work was exemplary. By the end of the day, she would meet some sort of unspoken quota of patients, even if it meant missing a few breaks in between.

Ray, as Dr. Lewis observed during his first few weeks at County, discharged patients much more quickly. It didn't mean he wasn't doing his job properly. Certain cases got to him like girls who were victims of abusive boyfriends, foster children, and especially cancer patients. Nobody quite understood the connection that Ray had with the oncology field, but he connected with them better than anybody else could.

Often, they would congregate at the admission desk, doing some documentation and signing off previous charts. Ray was uncharacteristically quiet, but they really had nothing to say to each other. Instead, they continued working with heads down on their charts, until Abby came by to break the silence.

"Neela, you're probably happy to hear that the girl in Exam 3 pulled through her surgery without any complications. Good job. If you hadn't caught that embolism when you did, she probably wouldn't have made it."

"Thanks, Abby." The patient had come with shortness of breath and chest pain. At first, it was suspected to be a bad case of the cold, until a screen found a clot in the patient. Neela was glad that her patient pulled through.

The older brunette studied the young Indian doctor in front of her. "You know Neela, I don't ever see you smile anymore."

Neela was shock by her ex-roommate's comment. "What do you mean? I smile."

"Yes and no ... I lived with you for awhile, Neela. I might not know all your moods but I know what I am talking about when I say your smile never reaches your eyes anymore."

Before Abby could further explain herself, her pager went off. The brunette excused herself, leaving a very confused Neela behind. Ray of course, had heard the exchange, but he was struck by one part of the conversation. _I lived with you for awhile, Neela. I might not know all your moods but I know what I am talking about when I say your smile never reaches your eyes anymore._

He looked up as if seeing his roommate for the first time. He didn't want to admit the fact that he didn't really know of Neela's moods, despite living in the same apartment as her. They were two people who live a parallel existence, without ever crossing. He was about to say something, but stopped when he realized that she had already left for one of the exam rooms.

Ray waited for Neela by the emergency bay at the end of the shift. Sometimes, one of them would go home first if the other pulled a double or did some overtime hours. Yet, on the rare occasion that they could get out at a reasonable time, they would wait for each other to go home. She came out into the cold November air with only a sweater on over her uniform. At the sight of him, she said, "Thanks for waiting, Ray," before letting out a shiver from the cold.

Seeing this, he took off his jacket and holding it for her to slip her arms through. "C'mon Neela, I don't want you getting a chill."

She nodded gratefully and enveloped herself with the material. He was glad that he brought the van today as they slid to the welcome warmth of the car. Music came from the CD that he had previously put in. Ray did not remember which one it was, so he just let the songs played accordingly, until he concluded that it was a bunch of random tracks. Most of them were from his band's demo tapes. Ray wondered if Neela minded him playing rock but as he glanced over at her, she had her eyes closed and leaning against the window.

Ray turned his attention back onto the road and trying to guess the next song on the track. Then he froze at the familiar lyrics played out ...

_I close my eyes,  
And even when I'm sleeping  
I'm alright,_  
'_Cause you are in my life  
Once upon a time..._

He reached forward to switch to turn off the CD and clicked to the nearest rock station. Neela's eyes snapped open and said, "Why did you change it? It was a nice song."

'Of course, it was a nice song.' However, he was not in the mood to elaborate on the ramifications behind it. "No, it was a mistake," he said aloud.

"What do you mean it was a mistake?"

"Nothing, don't worry about it."

His tone left no argument. Neela did not press, partly she was too tired to argue and the other, she was perceptive to see that Ray was upset by it. 'How can a single song affect him so much?'

Neela had to come to grips with the knowledge that she hardly knew the guy that she was living with. She tried to remember the last real conversation that they had and found that she couldn't. 'I'm just too tired.'

Landon was clutching the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles were white. 'This is different,' he told himself. Neela wasn't Jamie and Neela had no idea what that particular song meant.

* * *

_They were in his car, when the song came on. Jamie reached over to turn up the volume, but he had to reach over to turn it over to rock. Back and forth, they did this, until she conceded to him. _

"_Fine," she said. _

"_Thank you," he replied._

_

* * *

_

It was just one of many seemingly insignificant moments, but he remembered them all. Ray parked the car in front of their apartment and took a deep calming breath before he nudged Neela awake.

"Listen Neela, I didn't mean to snap at you."

Her chocolate brown eyes studied him for awhile, but they softened at the sight of his worried countenance. "Don't worry about it, Ray. We're all stressed."

Just liked that she forgave him, as they made their way up to their apartment. Neela quickly jumped into the shower and Ray made his way over to the balcony. He found it comforting at times to look at the constellations. Tonight however, he had a specific star in mind.

Neela came out to find Ray peering through the telescope. She always found it peculiar that he would be interested in something like this. From the look of the instrument, it looked like it was handmade but still well-treasured. Neela never had the chance to question him about it.

"So, what are you doing?"

He started at the sound of her voice until he caught the sight of her. He bend down again to fiddle with the scope before looking up again and said, "Take a look."

He stepped away to allow her space to the eyepiece. "Saturn. Wow, it's beautiful."

"Yeah, one of nature's miracles," he concurred.

She cocked her head at his words. "I get it," she said.

"Get what?"

"That, you're into this stuff."

His breath was caught. Another time and place, he had a similar conversation, except the lines were spoken by different people.

* * *

_He hobbled after Jamie at the cemetery. "Hey, what're you doing here?"_

"_I should ask you the same question."_

"_Do you normally walk by yourself in the cemetery at night?"_

"_Maybe," was her quick reply as she turned and walked away._

"_Hey, where are you going?"_

_She pointed her flashlight at him and challenged, "Come and see."_

_He followed her until they reached a clearing. She explained the presence of the telescope in amongst the tombstones. "This is my telescope. I built it when I was twelve. Take a look."_

_What he saw amazed him, though he hated himself for the admission, "Saturn. Very cool."_

"_Yeah, I'm planning on building a larger one so I can see the Comet Hiakutaki. It comes this spring, but nobody knows when it's coming back."_

"_Ah. Nature's miracles. I get it."_

"_Get what?"_

"_That you're into all this stuff."_

"_This stuff. I have my beliefs. I have faith. But don't you?"_

_

* * *

_

The sound of Jamie's voice echoed in his head. _"Don't you?"_ He didn't realize that Neela was speaking to him again.

"Ray, you ok? You spaced out on me there."

"Oh, sorry. What were you saying?"

"I said I get that you're into this stuff."

"What stuff?"

"Astronomy." She lingered for a moment and fingered the length of the body of the telescope, almost reverently. She wanted to say something. Her mouth opened once before she clamped it shut again.

Instead, she looked up at him with her rich brown eyes and said, "Thanks for showing it to me, Ray. It really is incredible."

She then walked towards her bedroom. At the last second, he remembered and returned, "Night, Neela."

Before a soft click could be heard from her bedroom door, she answered, "You too, Ray. Pleasant dreams."

However, Landon did not get much sleep that night as he spent the rest of the night peering through the telescope. He lingered on his Jamie's star, always bright amongst the silver-wrought sky. He made a thermos of coffee, and brought some of his blankets over to the balcony. He never truly thought of himself as a widow at the age of 18, but that didn't mean that he missed his wife any less.

For the most part, he thought of himself as Ray Barnett, the doctor and the jock. It was simpler to push the thought of Jamie to the back of his consciousness. The thought of her always brought back too much happiness and too much heartache. It was happiness that was incomplete without her and heartache that worsened because he had to continue living.

However, tonight was one of those times that Landon Rollins Carter would draw comfort from the presence of her star. He did so by her telescope, the one that he made for her so she could see the Comet Hiakutaki.

At the rise of dawn, he even had a chance to peek at Pluto in its ascent, before he fell promptly back to sleep. He didn't know that he had been crying in his sleep and that Neela, who tiptoed from her bedroom moments later, came by to tuck in a stray corner of his blankets. She wanted to reach over to wipe away the tears from his cheeks, but she forcefully stopped herself, for risk of waking something that was meant to be asleep. Instead, she grabbed the now-empty thermos and slowly got up to begin another routine day at work.

End of Chapter 2

* * *

AN: I know another slow chapter (it seems that I have been doing that a lot). Of course, the stuff in italics are from the movie, A Walk to Remember. The words that are centered and italicized are lyrics from the movie soundtrack. It's by Rachel Lampa, called If You Believe.

I am not an expert in astronomy and constellations, so I'm not sure if you can actually see those planets during different times of the year. shrugs Call it poetic license but those who are familiar with Awtr will know the significance ;)

I hope you guys are not confused with the use of Ray vs Landon's name. They are the same person, but as I tried to explain, they aren't. Dr. Ray Barnett is the doctor and the jock that we all know (and love) from ER, while Landon Carter is the 18 year old who fell in love with Jamie Sullivan of Beaufort, North Carolina. Landon is still dealing with Jamie's death but he does so but avoiding the issue and using the medium of Ray Barnett to continue living. I certainly hope that make sense. Yes? No? Maybe? Let me know in a review, 'k.


	4. 3 A Little Heart to Heart

Standard disclaimers applied. See Prologue for further details.

**Author's Note**: Part way through my exams (thanks for those who wished me luck), I find myself with a little bit of spare time. Right now, I need a little bit of cheering up because I got one of my papers back, I'm a bit peeved. Seriously, did they even read the whole thing (?) because the stuff they said was missing is stated black and white in the appendix. It's not even a matter of reading between the lines, it's right there on the page and in bold too! Anyways, don't mind me, so letting off steam.

As from the name of the chapter, it's a little heart to heart. Be sure to warm any Reela fan's heart. Much love and happy reading...

* * *

**Chapter 3: A Little Heart to Heart**

That night with the telescope brought them closer together. Rarely, do people see the Ray Barnett that was passionate about the stars and the heavens. Once again, Neela realized how little she actually knew their roommate. There was a level of cautiousness that they maintained, an unspoken accord that neither of them would admit to. However, it wasn't all bad with their routine and all. Through the months of living together, they knew each other's quirks, peeves and ever-so-gullible traits.

Ray was messy. Most of the time, his stuff would be all over the couch, the dining room table, by the TV and every conceivable corner of their apartment. He was passionate about his music, though that passion took a whole new meaning when his bandmates showed up with a case of beer and a bunch of amplifiers. He had a thing for cars and would let out his stress by working under the hood. Then, there were the quiet moments, when he would be caught surfing the channels which had a perchance to show religious programs on Sunday mornings.

Likewise, she herself had something of a habit. She had a thing for strawberries and whip cream, which when given the right amount of incentives could turn a few corners. Ray knew first hand that Neela was absolutely livid about keeping the apartment clean and the bills paid on time. She was constantly worried about making too much noise and disturbing the neighbours. Although Ray would secretly argue that Neela was much louder when England was playing against Brazil during Euro Cup.

Of course, like any other pair of roommates, it wasn't all smooth sailing. They fought for the hot water in the mornings, cried over the last pot of coffee after pulling a double shift. They bickered over who should wash the dishes, who should cook, and even the ridiculousness of who should get up to get the remote control to turn on the TV! Most of their banter were on impersonal mundane subjects.

However, once or twice, Ray would notice that Neela's demeanor would stiffen at the news of Iraq and the fighting in the Middle East. Often, she would leave the room altogether. At the moments of solitude, he would hear the tattletale signs of sniffling and crying coming from her room. She would not say, and he did not push. After all, who wasn't hurting in one way or another?

-o-o-

There was one week where Chicago suffered through a series of torrential downpour. The two roommates had worked the late-night shift. They were both miserable for warms baths and ready to crash onto their couch. However, they had to stop at the Jumbomart first to stock up on everything. They did this systematically as Neela already had a mental list of the things to buy. The only thing that Ray was concerned about was adding a case of cold beer into the cart as they were waiting at the cash. Neela frowned slightly but she knew her roommate long enough to let that slide.

By the time they reached the apartment, everything was soaked and their dripping coats left puddles on the floor. Ray promptly dropped the case of beer and the bag that he was holding to turn on the lights. Nothing happened as the apartment remained dark. "Bummer. The storm probably knock out the power."

"Oh bloody wonderful. This is exactly what I need." was Neela's only reply.

Ray raised an eyebrow at his roommate but wisely kept his mouth shut. The only source of lighting in the apartment came from the windows. The few flashes of lightning in the distance helped them find their way to the kitchen. Most of the stuff didn't need to be frozen, so they settled for a box of salted crackers and beer instead.

When Ray saw Neela popping open a can, she merely answered his gaze by saying, "Hey, that's why we bought it, right? We aren't staring at it all night."

Taking her can with her, she rummaged the drawers for candles, matches and flashlights. Ray shuffled his way to his room for some fresh clothes and a towel. When he returned to the kitchen, Neela threw the stuff to her roommate and said, "Light those, will ya? I'm going to change first."

Can in one hand and flashlight in the other, Neela made her way to her room. Ray shook his head slightly as he strategically placed a few candles around the apartment. Grabbing the bowl of crackers and the beer, he collapsed onto the couch. Closing his eyes briefly, he let himself be comforted by the roaring thunder and rain.

A slight shift in the couch alerted him to Neela's presence. There was only silence until it was interrupted by the sound of her cell phone ringing. It rang for a full two minutes, before Neela got up to answer it, all the while cursing. She spoke in rapid Punjab. Ray tried to discern the look on her face by the minimal light. Her tone was cheerful at first, until, she sounded frustrated. She ended the conversation by saying in English, "You're Parama. You don't need to be wished the best."

Slamming the phone shut and then turning it off, Ray was surprised that the contraption didn't break from the force. Neela made her way over to the couch and cursed again. "That's not how I want to spend my night."

"Aw, Neela. You don't mean that. You love spending time with me."

That got him a weak smile. "Ray, don't inflate your ego so much now. I wouldn't know what to do with you afterwards."

They fell into a companionable silence. Neela had finished her can of beer and was reaching for another when Ray asked, "You wanna talk about it, Roomie?"

"About what?"

"You know what got you so upset."

"It's nothing."

"It's not nothing when you're drinking beer like it's water."

Neela rolled her eyes because Ray said that as he too was reaching for another can. "Look who's talking."

"You are," he said cheekily and then he was bold enough to rest his head on her lap. Although, Ray would wonder about that move later and questioned whether or not, there was something else in that can of beer.

Neela made a mock move to push him off as she leaned herself back onto the couch. "That was my younger sister, Parama who was calling to see how I was. Every time she calls, it turns to a session of how great everything is going with her and what a poor substitute mine is."

Ray interjected into her tirade, "But you're one heck of a doctor. That should count for something."

"You don't know my sister. She's Parama. Did you know her name means 'the best?' She is two years younger than me but she's already married to a perfect family who speaks the same language, follows the same religion. She is a stay-at-home wife with my nephew, Mandeep and is now expecting a second son. I'm going to be thirty soon. I'm single and unmarried and working as a lowly resident."

Ray got off from this position on Neela's lap and straightened himself. "To heck with that, Neela. You're better than that. You're a doctor. You should be proud of yourself every time you put on that lab coat and wear that stethoscope. You see the worst and the best of people of Chicago who come into the ER, looking for help. Don't ever forget that!"

His voice resonated in the apartment. This time, it was she who set down her drink onto the counter and cuddled in his lap. "Thanks, Ray. I needed that."

They sat liked this to the backdrop of lightning and thunder until Neela spoke again, "You have any siblings, Ray?"

"Nope, I'm an only child."

"In a way, you're lucky then."

"But, my buddy Eric is as close to being a brother as anybody can get. I've known him since kindergarten. He probably knows as much blackmail material about me as I do to him, but we're tight down to that last secret handshake that we made up back in fourth grade."

"Oh really, how come you never mentioned him before?"

Ray pretended to misheard the question for a moment and instead took another swig from his drink, finishing off the can before tossing it onto the counter. "Then, there were Dean. We weren't as close as me and Eric but no less a brother to a certain extent. Although, I did give him one in the jaw back in high school."

"Why, what happened?"

Here, there was a pause. Landon never really wanted to approach the subject of Beaufort and his days back in high school. Although, the atmosphere in the apartment was lightened and he knew that he could trust Neela. He wasn't ready, so he pushed the topic out of his mind. Instead, he said, "He did something that was very insulting to me, but it was all part of another life."

Neela was quiet and Ray glanced down at her thoughtful expression. Neela had a weird habit of biting her bottom lip when she was concentrating on something. "So, tell me about you growing up," she coaxed when she caught him staring.

"There's not much to tell."

"Don't lie, because we both know that's rubbish."

He wanted to steer the topic to something more mundane but seeing her look, he indulged her slightly, "I was a bit of a troublemaker ..."

"A bit? You're still a troublemaker."

"Hey, I can push you off my lap and onto the floor right now, Ms. Ragostra."

"If I am going down, you're coming with me, Ray," she cheekily remarked.

He rolled his eyes at her smug expression. "Soooo, do you want to hear about it or not?"

"Sorry, carry on," she said with a wave of her hand.

He told her a couple of the classic pranks that he had pulled along with Eric. Most of them are in the name of harmless fun, although their punishment spoke otherwise. Neela was thoroughly amused to say the least. "I would have love to grow up with you, in ... eh, where were you from again?" she asked.

"Beaufort, North Carolina."

"Beaufort," she repeated, "it sounds like a beautiful place."

"It has its quaint little charm."

She laughed at his poor-attempt at a fake British accent. "You sound like a drunken wanker, Ray."

He stared indignantly before smacking her playfully with a pillow from the couch. She retaliated by jabbing him slightly in the ribs. With that, their conversation was dropped. They playfully poked and tickled each other mercilessly throughout the rest of night, until they fell asleep blissfully on the couch in the comfort of each other's embrace. 

End of Chapter 3

* * *

AN: Alright, I made up the names for Neela's sister and nephew. I don't think the series mentioned them at all. According to one of the websites (sorry don't have the address on me, I'll look it up for the next chap), Parama does mean 'the best' while Mandeep means 'light of the mind.' Anyways, here's another chap, please r/r. 


	5. 4 The Price of Suffering

Standard disclaimers applied. See Prologue for further details.

**Author's Note**: There is some swearing in this chapter, but nothing explicit and I censored the actual words. I kept it to a minimal so to keep with the tone of the scenes involved. Consider yourself warned!

* * *

**Chapter 4: The Price of Suffering**

"There's too much bad sh-t in this world."

"Without suffering, there'll be no compassion."

"Yeah, well tell that to those that suffer."

-Landon & Jamie, A Walk to Remember

A couple of Saturdays later, there was a shift in the whole atmosphere around the apartment and at work. However, Ray was initially unaware of the change as he came into work in the best of moods. The gig from the previous night had been a success. They totally connected with the crowds, and even secured themselves with another invite to play again in two nights. The rents were paid and he even got the grocery shopping done. He missed seeing Neela that morning, but he figured that she probably went in early for work.

However, the moment that he stepped into County, he knew that something was wrong. There was a definite sombreness in the air. Frank, who had something to say about anything and everything seemed subdue. Even, Morris who was usually clueless even about the basic principles of sterility kept his comments and questions to himself. Pratt greeted him with less-than-customary jaunt as Ray made his way over the admission boards.

"Who died?"

By the look on Pratt face which flickered dangerously for a moment, Ray knew that it was probably the wrong thing to say. "You know what Barnett, you can be such a world-class ass. I don't even know why I bother."

Ray stared confusedly at Pratt's retreating back. "He's upset from before, but that was probably not the best thing to say." Ray turned to the source of the voice, Dr. Chen.

To him, she was the elusive Chinese doctor that he seldom worked with. In many ways, she remembered him of Neela. They were both smart, dedicated and always knew which buttons to push for the right effect. She was also a source of partiality, rarely taking sides in the dramatics of the ER. From the stories that he had heard, she and Pratt had dated before they broke up.

"I know that, but I like to know what ticked him off before I got here."

She gave a calculated look as if to test his sincerity. "Have you seen Neela today?"

Her question caught him off guard. It didn't seem relevant at the time. "No, I figured that she already left for work this morning. Why?"

Again, her onyx eyes studied him and Ray never felt so uncomfortable. Dr. Chen glanced over her shoulders for a moment before redirecting her attention to him again. "What do you know of Gallant?"

However, she did not give him a chance to answer. "I may not be the best person to tell you this, but I guess you of all people deserved to know. Today is anniversary of Gallant's death."

-o-o-

He came home to a silent apartment. The whole day had been a blur with Dr. Chen's words bothering him all day. _I guess you of all people deserved to know. Today is anniversary of Gallant's death._

'How could he not know?' 'How come didn't Neela tell him?' 'Where was she today?'

The sight of the girl in question on the apartment balcony drove away all his thoughts. She stood in the midnight air with only a thin cream coloured dress on as a barrier. She stared unseeingly at the sight in front of her, with her hair blowing wild against the night breeze. She made no move to acknowledge his presence, although it was questionable whether she heard him or not.

He took a moment to study his roommate, but he cast his glance away at what he saw. It was grief and sadness, pain and hurt. These raw emotions were not foreign to him but he loathed to admit them in himself. 'You need to focus.'

He made his way silently beside his roommate, grabbing a blanket that was draped across the sofa. His footfalls were masked by the carpet until he was close enough to touch. She gasped softly as he wrapped the warm cover over her shoulders. He waved off whatever words she wanted to say as he leaned his frame against the bars of the balcony with his back to the view outside. Silence enveloped them, until he noticed her shivering.

"Neela," he murmured.

"It's nothing, Ray," she objected, but she was betrayed by her tears.

"It's not nothing when you are crying over them." Weeks ago, he had said something similar.

* * *

"You know what got you so upset." 

"It's nothing."

"It's not nothing when you're drinking beer like it's water." (1)

* * *

She blinked hard but she refused to brush the tears away as they fell incessantly down her cheeks. "It's not fair, Ray. Why did he have to die? Why did he have to go and leave me?" 

_Why?_ - How many times had he asked himself the same question? Yet, each time brought him no closer to the answer. "I don't know, Neela," he replied.

"It's been a year already. People tell him to stop crying over him, but I can't."

"The pain never goes away. It comes and goes like a bad cold but you can never truly stop crying for the people that you lost."

She looked at him as if seeing for the first time. He didn't meet her glance but he could see her out of his peripheral vision. "They all say that you have to move on, but they just don't understand."

She nodded at his words. "How can I move on when my heart is breaking?"

Again, he had no readied answer. "I don't know, Neela. I guess time ... it helps some."

He slowly removed himself from the railing and walked back into the apartment. He stopped at the tug of his arm. "Have you lost someone, Ray?" she asked.

"It doesn't really matter, Neela. I just want you to feel better."

"It matters when you are denying it." Again, she was echoing his previous inquiries.

"I don't think you are in the position to judge," he countered.

At that, she promptly dropped her hands from the position on his arm. She had been upset and now her moment of grief was replaced by anger. "But, you are? So, who gave you the bloody right to judge then, Barnett?"

Before he had a chance to reply, she snapped, "You know what I don't give a damn about what you and everybody else thinks. I love him. Nobody made you the judge of my life because you have probably never loved somebody so much that they are willing to die for you!"

Her words cut him hard and to the core. He clutched his fist until he felt his blunt nails ducking into his palms to the point of bleeding almost. In a blurry haze, he bit back, "Have you watch someone you love slowly die in front of you, knowing you can't do anything to relief their pain? Have you love someone so much that you become their miracle? If you haven't, then don't be btching about sh-t that you know nothing about, Ragostra."

He tore back into the apartment to grab his jacket before slamming the front door with a deafening bang. He got into the van and simply started driving.

_Ninety miles outside Chicago  
I can't stop driving I don't know why  
So many questions, I need an answer_

He rarely swore because Jamie was devoted to her church and it certainly won't present a good image if you used profanity when you were at the Reverend's house. However at this moment, Ray didn't care. He was angry at Neela's insinuations that he didn't care, that he wasn't capable of loving someone as much as he did Jamie. 'Neela doesn't know what she's talking about.'

Jamie once told him that without suffering, there would be no compassion. In his profession, he had seen enough suffering from the neonates to those in their tenth decade of existence. He knew the powerlessness of being unable save the patient even with all the advances in modern technology. Even now as a medical resident, he never quite grasped her meaning. "I miss you so much, baby," he murmured aloud.

_If I could ask God just one question  
Why aren't you here with me, tonight? _

-o-o-

Neela had no idea how badly her words hurt Ray. She was surprised by his retort. It was only later in the sanctuary of her room that she recalled his words and was baffled by its meaning. _"Have you watch someone you love slowly die in front of you, knowing you can't do anything to relief their pain? Have you love someone so much that you become their miracle?"_

She thought about apologizing to him, but stopped herself at the sight of the empty apartment. What could she say that will remedy the hurt? She cursed herself for her poor choice of words and again wondered about Ray's past. "I'm sorry I didn't know," she whispered but she was only answered by the silence.

End of Chapter 4

* * *

  


AN: The centered and italicized lyrics that were used from the Awtr soundtrack called Someday We'll Know, sang by Mandy Moore and Jonathon Foreman.

(1) Also, this was from Chapter 3.

Did you find the exchange believable? They are grieving and their anger is stemmed from their respective losses. I certainly hope that it wasn't too melodramatic. Please let me know, 'k.


	6. 5 To Be On the State Line

Standard disclaimers applied. See Prologue for further details.

**Author's Note**: Sorry for the lateness of this chapter. Hopefully, everyone is enjoying the holdiays!

In previous chapters, I had used quotes from A Walk to Remember. They were italicized and not centered. In this one, I have a part which titled 'Flashback' which did not happen in the movie. I made that whole conversation up, so hopefully it still make sense.

* * *

**Chapter 5: To Be On the State Line**

Neela slept fitfully that night. She kept waiting for the front door to open to announce the return of her roommate. She watched the numbers of her digital clock glowed a bright red as the minutes went by. It was three in the morning, before she got some shut eye but even then Ray had not return to the apartment.

She was interrupted at around five by a noise outside the apartment. Somebody was pounding incessantly on the door. Afraid of troubling the neighbours, Neela quickly threw on a robe and opened the door. She stopped momentarily at the entrance at the sight of Bret, half supporting and half dragging a drunken Ray into the apartment.

"Sorry, doc," Bret apologized while trying to a get a rather-vocal Ray into the apartment.

"It's alright. I'll take care of things here. Thanks for bringing him home, Bret."

"He won't be thanking me for that killer headache he's gonna be getting. Anyways, later doc."

"Bye Bret," as the band member let himself out.

Neela turned to her roommate which was sprawled with his legs dangling at the edge of the couch. He was asleep with a peaceful countenance on his face if one chose to ignore the drool at the corner of his mouth. Neela did not have the heart to wake him and bring him to his bed. Instead, she grabbed a couple of blankets and pulled them over him. She set off to the kitchen and returned with a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin which she placed on the counter. She had to work that day but didn't know what time Ray was going to wake up, so without much thought, she quickly scrawled out a note, "Ray, I'm sorry for everything. I wish I could take it all back. - Neela."

Instead of going back to sleep, she got ready for work, thinking that she will get an earlier start to her seven o' clock shift. She should have waited though, to avoid her unplanned manner of arrival at the ER.

-o-o-

Ray woke up to the sound of an infernal buzzing. He slowly raised his head from the soft cushions underneath. He winced at the bright sunlight and the compounding headache that was radiation between his temples. The noise continued, until he reoriented himself to the thought that it was actually the phone ringing. He wondered briefly why Neela wasn't answering it as he staggered his way across the living room to the cordless on the wall.

"Barnett," he answered while massaging his scalp.

"Ray?"

He winced at the sound pierced through the pounding in his head. "Lower the decibels, Abby."

There was a moment of silence until Abby's voice could be heard, "Ray, you have to come in."

"My shift doesn't start until three, Abby. I have a killer hangover and I ain't doin' overtime."

"Ray, it's Neela."

He felt a momentary pang in his chest, as all breath left him. "What happened?"

"Ray, just come."

"Give it to me straight, Lockhart."

There was a sigh from the receiving end. "There was an accident, multiple car pile-up. Neela was trapped beneath one of the cars. Carter is working on her right now, but they probably going to send her up to the OR. I'm calling because she had you down as the next of kin," Abby concluded softly.

That was all the incentives that he needed as he hang up the phone. His eyes settled momentarily on the counter. A single glass of water and a bottle of aspirin had been laid out. Popping in a few pills, he scanned the contents of the note that Neela had left.

'I'm sorry too, roomie.'

His headache reminded of the events which had transpired. He had no right to yell at her the way that he did. She was already upset about Gallant, but she had no idea about Jamie. Now, more than ever, he wished to say those words of apology aloud to her and for him to see that forgiving smile of hers.

Ray arrived at the ER in record time, breaking a few speeding limits along the way before parking illegally in the emergency bay. He tossed Frank his keys before following Abby who had been on the lookout for him. "Where is she?"

Abby briefed him that Neela had already been transferred to the OR. "Corday is the surgeon. Neela is good hands."

"How bad is she?"

"She was unconscious when they brought her in. She took a hard hit to her head, most likely concussion. I didn't get a chance to see the CT scan results. Pneumothorax, she cracked three of her ribs. We're afraid that one of them may have punctured her right lung. She crashed twice. Carter had a hard time stabling her because there was so much internal bleeding. Her femur has been crushed but not broken."

"I want to see her."

"I know. I told them to wait for as long as they can till you come. You know the way."

With a nod of thanks, Ray grabbed the nearest elevator until he was interrupted by Frank's voice. "Hey, Barnett."

"Not now, Frank."

"I have somebody hollering on the phone ..."

"That's great. I don't care 'cause I don't work at the desks."

"Yeah, well, I have somebody calling for Dr. Landon Carter ... I have a Dr. Carter, but his name ain't Landon ... your middle name is Landon but your last name ain't Carter."

Ray stopped listening to Frank's tirade before he interrupted him, "Shut up, Frank. Which line?"

"Line 3."

Ray hurried back to admissions desk, but he called back to Abby who had a questioning frown on her face. "Tell Corday to start the surgery. I have to take this call," he said.

Picking up on Line 3, he answered, "Barnett."

"Landon? Is that you, man?"

"Dean?"

"Yeah. We've been trying to get a hold of you. Your folks have been callin' your place. Nobody is picking up on your cell. Some guy keeps saying that there's nobody by the name of Landon Carter. What's up with that?"

"It's Ray Landon Barnett, Dean. I had my name change."

"Oh yeah, about that ..."

"This isn't a social call, is it?"

"No."

Landon had a sudden sinking feeling. He wasn't going to like this at all. "Who is it?"

"It's the Reverend."

'No. Anybody but him ...'

"Is he?"

"You should come down. He's asking for you."

"Is it the cancer?"

"It's spreading..."Landon's reality suddenly crashed.

A little over year after Jamie's death, Reverend Sullivan was diagnosed with colon cancer. Landon felt the injustice of the whole situation.

* * *

_**(Flashback)**_

"**Haven't you suffered enough?" **

"**Maybe it's God's way of letting me get close to Jamie."**

"**By you suffering?"**

"**By trying to get me to understand what she has been through all these years with her leukemia."**

"**I don't think it's fair."**

"**I have faith, Landon."**

"**Jamie always say that."**

"**You don't believe it?"**

"**Jamie made me believe, but ..."**

"'**I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. Therefore, choose life.' Deuteronomy 30:19. I choose life, Landon."**

_**(End flashback)**_

_**

* * *

**_

He talked for a couple of minutes with Dean getting as much info as possible and then, he promised to call once the travelling arrangements have been made. He caught Dr. Carter's stare from across the admissions desk. "I need some time off. One of my family members is dying," the younger intern blurted out.

Carter nodded sympathetically at Ray's grief stricken face. "Alright, how soon?"

"As soon as you can spare me."

"I'll call in Pratt to cover for you. Have you been up to see Neela, yet?"

"No, I was going to before ..."

"Go. I'll make some phone calls. Where do you need to go?"

"Beaufort, North Carolina."

Landon hurried upstairs to the first OR room. He wished that he could stay until Neela woke up but he was caught in the middle with the news of the Reverend's deteriorating health. He grabbed a gown and gloves and quietly entered the surgical room. Dr. Corday glanced up briefly and greeted him, "Joining us, Dr. Barnett?"

"No, a family emergency just came up, but I just want to say a few things to Neela before I go."

There must hae been something in his words that made Corday looked up from her. She nodded her consent as Ray went closed to Neela's head. Ray tried to comfort himself by the sound of the machines that indicated her vital signs. "Neela, you have the best surgeon at County working on ya. You have to pull through this, roomie. I know I was acting like an idiot before and I am sorry. If it wasn't for me ..."

A sound from Corday prevented him from continuing. She knew that there was a story there, but she reminded him that a surgery was still going on. "Talking sometimes help, Dr. Barnett, but I doubt Neela wants to hear self-pity."

She didn't mean for it to sound like she didn't care, so she amended by saying, "Neela is a very forgiving person and from what I heard, it was a drunk driver that was the cause of the accident."

Landon nodded on his way out, but his mind was already on making plans to go back to Beaufort. Dr. John Carter waved him over when he spotted Landon on the floor. "I called Pratt. He's coming to fill you in."

"Thanks. Sorry, I know this is short notice."

"We're family here, Barnett. You don't have to apologize. Anyways, I called my travel agent. One of my family planes is stopping over here in Chicago before heading over to Virginia. North Carolina is on the way, so you can land and then probably rent a car."

Ray was speechless in his surprise. "I don't know what to say. Thanks doc."

"You don't have to thank me. I can see the look on your face and let me tell you I know the feeling."

"What feeling?"

"Of wanting to be in two places at the same time."

* * *

"_C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, let's go." Landon jumped out of the car and ran to the other side to grab Jamie's hand. Together, they started running._

"_Where are we going?"_

"_Run!" He called back to her until they stopped in the middle of the road. _

"_Okay… uh, stand there," he indicated on a seemingly-random spot on the road._

"_All right."_

"_Put one foot there, and one foot there." He pointed to other spots._

"_Okay. You're acting like a crazy person, what's going on?" Jamie asked in disbelief._

"_Okay, right now, you're straddling the state line."_

"_Okay…?" She didn't see his point, so Landon pointed to the sign behind her that read 'Welcome to Virginia.' _

"_You're in two places at once."_

_When she came to realization, all she could do was jumped into his arms. "Ahhhhhhh…" _

* * *

This time, things were different. He couldn't be in both Chicago and North Carolina at the same time, no matter what. He was truly thankful for the pre-arranged flight plans but he left his beeper and cell phone numbers behind. Abby promised to update him on any changes.

With that, Landon hurried back to his apartment. He called his mom who told him a similar story as Dean did. She told him that her dad was also coming down. Landon informed her of his travelling plans before hanging up his phone to dial his dad's cell but only got a voicemail, so Landon left a message. He then called Dean as he promised. Afterwards, he proceeded to packing a couple clothes in a carry-on bag before he was off to the airport.

**End of Chapter 5**

* * *

AN: Alrighty another chapter. What do you guys think so far? Remember, anything italicized and left-justified are quotes from the movie. The parts that I labelled as 'flashbacks' and bolded are written by me. Hopefully, you guys are still following.

Also, I'm sorry if anybody is offended by any of the religious quotes that I used. I am just trying to keep with the theme of faith that was in A Walk to Remember which I think it's important for the development of Landon (Ray). Again, I apologize if anyone is put off by that. Let me know in a review 'k.


	7. 6 Reliving Yesterday

Standard disclaimers applied. See Prologue for further details.

**Author's Note**: Sorry it took so long for me to get this next chapter. It has been sitting idle on my hard drive but I just haven't been able to get online and posting it. I hope this was worth the wait!

The lyrics used in this chapter, is from the song Yesterday Once More, sang by Karen Carpenter. It doesn't belong to me.

* * *

**Chapter 6: Reliving Yesterday**

_All my best memories  
Come back clearly to me  
Some can even make me cry  
Just like before  
It's yesterday once more_

- Karen Carpenter, Yesterday Once More

Each time, Landon returned to Beaufort, he was often hit with bittersweet memories of his days growing up. The leaves turned from crimson fall to golden yellow and the waters glistened different shades of blue. The younger generation come and go but the locals remained. The sign that read 'Welcome to Beaufort' were updated throughout the years, but the essence of this port town remained.

Dean came to pick him from the airport. For the most part, the ride was silent, though there were some attempts at conversation. Landon was drained and Dean didn't press. Instead, they let the music from the car radio filled in the silence. Landon was initially surprised at the amount of compassion that Dean showed. Knowing the reputation that they both held in high school, it was hard to imagine that they were in fact the same people.

People changed and adapted with time, but Landon did get a kick out of the fact that Dean married Belinda about three years ago in Las Vegas. "You had a party without me, Dean? How cruel..."

"Stuff happens, man. We eloped and you lucked out. Don't worry, we'll get together and have a party just for you."

Their conversation was superficial because they both knew the real reason why Landon wasn't in town. What with changing his name and going ff to college and then medical school ... stuff indeed happen.

At Landon's insistence, Dean dropped him off at the Reverend's house. For a moment, Landon almost thought about turning back, as he was assaulted by a flood of memories with Jamie. They had their first kiss just outside those very doors, the same ones which she slammed in his face when he acted like a jerk to her. There was the porch bench where she sat when he came to apologize with a sweater as a peace offering. He could almost hear the sounds from her piano and her hypnotizing voice in accompaniment.

He was interrupted by the force of his mother's arms around him. Cynthia Carter had almost taken residences at the Reverend's home. She came daily, often several times throughout the day. When she saw Dean's car and she knew that her son also needed a comfort that a mother could partially offer with her embrace. "Landon honey, it's so good to see you."

She nodded thankfully to Dean who helped to unload Landon's stuff from his trunk. It took a moment for Landon to come to and realize that Dean had driven off. "How is he, Ma?" indicating the Reverend.

"He has his good days and bad ones. I think it's one of his good ones today. The pain killers help some but he has been asking for you."

Landon nodded and schooled himself in preparation. The first thing that he noticed was the pallor of the Reverend's skin. He was breathing restlessly. His eyes were closed with one hand on the Bible that was draped upside down across his chest. He was not in deep sleep though, as he aroused himself at Landon's approach.

"Mr. Carter..." he whispered wistfully. There was a ghost of a smile before he amended, "Rather, it's Dr. Barnett now."

"Hey Rev."

"How are you, Landon?"

"I think that should be my line. How are you feeling, Reverend?"

"I am doing well, Landon. Thank you for coming."

"You know I would never turn you down."

"No, you wouldn't. I had to see you before ..."

"Don't say that. You're still here and that's all matters."

The Reverend sighed for he knew that the conversation would turn out this way before it even began. Then he said, "I'm content with my life, Landon. I have always rely on faith to help me through and I have been blessed many times over."

"Have you?"

The Reverend fingered the bible in his hand. "I chose life, Landon. This is the life that He gives me. The Bible said, 'Do not let your hearts be troubled or afraid (John 14:27)'. With life, there will be death, such is the balance of this world."

"I see that every time I step foot into the ER, but it doesn't mean it gets easier."

"No, you treasure each life and each moment and honour them as they were."

They contemplated in silence. There needed to be no words for they shared a bond that few were privileged to have. "I think I'm ready to see my wife and daughter again," the Reverend confessed.

Landon got up abruptly to stalk over to the window. He refused to meet the gaze of the man lying on the bed. "Not yet though, Mr. Carter ..."

"When?"

"Soon, but not yet..."

Ray came downstairs and talked with his mother for a few moments. She convinced him to go back to his childhood home to change, shower and eat. He also took the time to call back to Chicago. He met up with his father who had came down but Daniel "Dan" Carter could do little to help the Reverend whose cancer was spreading from his colon to the rest of his body.

Later on, Landon returned to the Reverend's home and sat in the bedroom. He spoke in hush tones on his cell phone to Abby before hanging up to watch the sunset.

_Lookin' back on how it was  
In years gone by  
And the good times that I had  
Makes today seem rather sad  
So much has changed_

"Have you found someone?"

Ray jumped at the sound of the Reverend's voice whom he had thought was sleeping. "Sh-," before he stopped himself. The Reverend had small chuckle at his expense. "Sorry."

"Have you found someone?" he asked again when Ray didn't answer him.

"No, not after Jamie. I tried dating some when I was in med school, but nothing serious ever came of it." At the same time, he indicated his cell phone, "I'm ... I was calling about my roommate. She was in surgery when I left but she's in a coma right now."

"What happen?"

He hesitated briefly before he confessed that they got into an argument and then she got into an accident afterwards. "I didn't have a chance to apologize before I left."

The Reverend was thoughtful before he asked, "What is her name?"

"Neela. Dr. Neela Ragostra."

"Neela," the Reverend repeated as he considered the roll of her name on his tongue. "Quite an unusual name. What was your argument about?"

"Her name means 'blue' in Punjab," he explained while he ignored the second part of the question. This did not go unnoticed by Reverend Sullivan.

"Sometimes we can't help our words in a moment of anger. There is the guilt that remains afterwards when we think about all the what ifs and maybes. You must learn to forgive yourself before you are ready to accept the forgiveness from others."

He nodded in a noncommittal manner. The Reverend contemplated his next words.

"She would have wanted you to be happy."

"Who Neela?"

"Yes, I would imagine she would, but that's not who I meant. I was talking about Jamie."

"I was happy with her."

"But she would have wanted you to be happy with living a life without her."

"I am happy. I love being a doctor and I love being in a band."

"Yes, the question is whether you are truly happy."

"Who knows what true happiness is supposed to feel like?"

"True happiness is a relative term because only you can make the most out of life. The Lord gives us His guidance and His light, but it is you who has to believe."

-o-o-

Throughout the next couple of days, parishioners came to and from the Reverend's house. Landon stood on the sidelines as a silent support for his father-in-law. As well, the Carters spent some time together. Cynthia was happy to have her son home with her as she complained that she didn't get to see him now that he was in Chicago.

Also, Eric came down and the two friends caught up on superficial events as they were lounging on the back porch of the Carter's home. "Hey man, did you end up finding a roommate for that swanky place of yours?"

Landon laughed at Eric's choice of words. "Swanky? Please, I would hardly call it that, but anyways, yeah, I did. In fact, she works at the same hospital with me."

"She? Hey good for you, man. She's not cramming your style?"

"It's not what you think."

"And, what would I be thinking?"

"C'mon, head out of the gutter, we aren't doing anything together. She's a coworker and a friend, that's all."

"Just a friend?"

"You know I would never betray Jamie like that."

At this, Eric stopped his teasing. He took a deep breath before he continued, "I don't think you would be betraying Jamie if you decide to have a relationship."

"It's not a relationship."

"No, but you have to at least give yourself a chance."

"What Jamie and I had together was something special," Landon argued defensively.

"Hey, I don't doubt that. I didn't understand at first and on some level, I probably still don't. But, I think Jamie had too much faith and loved you too much for you to miss out on life. We don't get very many second chances. You have to take a risk sometime. It was a risk that brought you closer to Jamie."

Landon stared hard at his friend. What he said was very similar to what the Reverend had told him earlier. Catching Eric's anxious glance, Landon amended and offered his hand. "Hey it's cool, man."

Recognizing the beginnings for their secret handshake, Eric grinned broadly and completed the routine, "Dude, it's been too long!"

Landon had to smile at that. Though as much as he hate to face it, he had to question himself, 'What was he waiting for? A sign, perhaps?'

At the thought, Landon felt a sudden chill. Both he and Eric shivered slightly as the breeze blew across the waters. He was struck by a sudden memory of Jamie saying, _"I think that this is the way God planned it so there must be a reason for it...It's like the wind, I can't see it… but I feel it."_

"_What do you feel?" he asked._

"_I feel wonder and beauty. Joy. Love. I mean…it's the center of everything."_

He had kissed her then with the wind caressing their cheeks. It was as though they were at the center of everything. 'Was this his sign that she was giving her permission, that she would always be a part of him?'

Then his train of thought was interrupted by the sound of his cell phone. It took him a full minute to recognize the caller and he swallowed hard.

End of Chapter 6

* * *

AN: My, my ... is this a cliffhanger? Yes it is ... please review if you want to see what happens next.

As I mentioned in the previous chapter. I add a little bit about the religion in keeping with the theme from A Walk to Remember. It is not my intention to disregard any religion. However, I do apologize if anybody is offended. As well, a brief reminder that the stuff in italics are quotes from the movie.

Also, I couldn't find the name for Landon's father, so I must made it up and called him 'Daniel.'


	8. 7 The Loss of Innocence

Standard disclaimers applied. See Prologue for further details.

**Author's Note**: Finally, you will find out what happened with Neela. Sorry for the long wait, you guys have all been very patient.

* * *

**Chapter 7: The Loss of Innocence**

Susan Lewis stepped into the all-familiar room of the ICU. She paused momentarily by the entrance at the sight that greeted her. Abby Lockhart was brushing a stranded piece of hair away from the face of patient lying on the bed. Despite her actions, the patient showed no visible signs of waking.

Susan made a soft cough to make her presence known. Abby glanced up briefly and nodded. "No change," said the blonde. It was just a statement of fact and she really did not expect an answer.

However, this prompted a response from Abby, "No, but Neela is strong."

"She'll pull through," Susan said determinedly.

The Indian doctor was initially brought into the ER as a victim of a major car pile-up. Witnesses stated that Neela had been crossing an intersection when a drunken truck driver ran a red light, lost control and swerved into the next lane to avoid her. However, a SUV happened to be there but the driver was busily talking to her cell phone, so she could not avoid the truck in time. Behind the SUV was a teenage driver who just got his license. He had been tailgating the SUV, so there wasn't enough distance for him to stop safely. The truck was carrying metal pipes at the time, when the vehicles crashed with Neela stuck in the middle of the pile-up.

The emergency response services arrived on scene and with all the debris, it was hard to extricate Neela in the midst of it all. By the time, Abby phoned Ray, there was already massive bleeding to her head, along with the previously stated cracked bones, pneumothorax. The surgery had been successful in patching up the lungs and finding the cause for the internal bleeding. She crashed twice but was brought back by shocking the heart. However, the biggest worry was that Neela had yet to wake up from her coma. Dr. Corday had said that the massive bleeding was the cause but that Neela had every chance to wake up once the swelling had minimized.

Everyday since, the staff in the ER alternated shifts to see Neela in the ICU. Abby divided her time at the hospital, at work and then at home with Jake. Pratt had almost taken up residences there as well and was often seen with a coffee in hand and talking to the unresponsive Neela. Then, there were Susan, Carter and Chen along with Weaver and Luka. Even Sam, Frank, Jerry, Morris and Jane had stopped by with get-well cards. The only conspicuous absence was Ray who was away on a family emergency in North Carolina. Abby updated him by phone and Carter called as well.

Now, the only thing that they could do was wait, but their worries were not alleviated with each passing moment. It was simply a matter of time.

-o-o-

He stared stupidly at the caller ID on his cell phone. All the while, it kept ringing until he was interrupted by Eric. "Yo man, you gonna answer that?"

It took another thirty seconds to register the fact that he was supposed to answer the phone. However, he already knew what was on the other line. "Barnett," he answered out of a habit.

He belatedly realized the slip of his tongue when he saw the raised eyebrows from Eric. "Hello?" he repeated into the phone.

"Landon? Honey..."

There was silence but he knew. He knew before he answered the call, "I know, ma."

"I'm sorry," she murmured.

Wordlessly, he hang up the phone. Eric watched him anxiously. "I'm sorry," he echoed.

"I know."

Eric drove them over. Reverend Sullivan had wanted to die at home, much liked his daughter who refused to spend her last days at the hospital. His last years were hard with the loss of both his wife and daughter, but he never regretted gaining a son-in-law and his family. He held onto his faith and his beliefs. He died peacefully in his sleep only moments after watching the sun set just beyond the horizon.

Many of his possessions had been donated to the church. Some were given to the Carters, and other faithful parishioners from over the many years. He had addressed notes and paraphernalia for some, and tokens for others. For Landon, he had left both, a old letter chest filled with handwritten notes and a book - one which was lovingly treasured throughout the years. It was the same one that Jamie had given to Landon before her death. At that time, it was too painful for Landon to keep, so he had given it to the Reverend. Now, it was returned to the intended owner.

"Landon."

Landon turned at his father's voice. Dan Carter came out to the porch of the Carter's home. As all the arrangements had already been previously made before the Reverend's death, the Carters held a memorial services at their home after the funeral.

"Everybody tells me that he would have wanted me to be happy."

"There is no doubt about that. Your happiness is very important for him. Each death is never easy, especially if they are the people that you care about.

"I try to forget, to get away from it all. In Chicago, I have another life, another identity. I'm a doctor for crying out loud! I shouldn't been feeling like this."

"Like what? Grief, sadness, anger ... I think that's called being human. No matter what your name is, Landon or Ray, whether you are in Beaufort or Chicago, you are going to feel those emotions. There is no shame in that though."

"I'm going back to Chicago in the morning," he blurted out.

"Oh."

The single word acknowledgement made Landon turned. "It's just that I've been gone for over a week now. My roommate was in surgery when I left..."

"I can't say I'm terribly surprised. You were right when you say that you had another life. How's he doing?"

"Who?"

"Your roommate ... how's he doing?"

"Oh, you mean how's _she_ doing? My roommate works at County General with me. When I called, she was in a coma. Apparently, there was a lot of bleeding in her head from the trauma. She went into the OR but I like I said last time I checked she hasn't woken up yet."

"How long ago was this?"

"Before the funeral."

"You matured a lot through these few years. I know I don't say it very often, but I'm proud of you. I'm more proud of the person that you have become, but Ray never forget who you are inside."

-o-o-

Ray flew back to Chicago at the earliest flight back. On the plane, he tried to get a few precious hours of shuteye. Before he left Beaufort, he had called back to County. Dr. John Carter had offered a plane but Ray declined stating that he already made previous arrangements. Neela was still in the ICU but she was stable Ray took the time on the flight to think and reminisce.

His mother had not been happy to hear that he was heading back to Chicago so soon, but she couldn't stop him either way. "I know that over the years, life has hit you hard, harder than most people your age has to face. Landon, I know inside you are a very strong person, but you have to tap into that strength."

He remembered the first time that he was called Ray, shortly after having his name changed. It had taken him a full minute to realize that he was actually being addressed. He had chose 'Ray' because Jamie sometimes referred to him as her ray of sunshine.

* * *

_**(Flashback)**_

"**You are my angel, Landon. Before you, I was getting along with everything. I accepted the fact that I had leukemia, and then ... you happened. I don't need a reason to be angry with God, but somehow you have become my ray of sunshine after a cloudy day."**

_**(End Flashback)**_

_**

* * *

**_

Thinking of his current destination, his thoughts returned to Neela. He had left so much unsaid and too many harmful insinuations. He winced at the thought mention of their last conversation, the one that was immediately prior to her admission into the ER. The first time that he had met Neela, she called him 'Barnett.' Of course, she was just reading off his name tag but all subsequent times, she referred to him as 'Ray' whether they were at work or at their apartment. Likewise, 'Neela' was his preferred address for her. The only thing that she absolutely objected to was any form of endearment, "No honey or hun, baby or babe. No sweety, or dear. No chick ... nothing and I mean it, Ray."

He laughed, "That's not a problem, Roomie." With that, he winked and said, "I don't think that counts."

He never understood it, until, he caught a glimpse of one of Gallant's letters that was addressed to Neela. He hadn't meant to pry but he was cleaning the apartment when he debated whether or not to clear up the waste paper basket in Neela's room. The letter was in the trash along with others, but Ray read only the few lines to understand.

* * *

_**(Flashback)**_

"**My dear Neela,**

**It's only been a couple months but I miss you - your laughter, your curiosity, your spark. Out here fighting, it puts certain things about life into perspective. ... All I know is that I'm fighting for the right reasons and that is you - I want the best for us, baby, because you are my girl... and I love you..."**

_**(End Flashback)**_

_**

* * *

**_

He didn't go into her room after that. He understood a little bit of her past with Gallant. Pratt had been both a friend and confidante and spoke fondly of the "other med student." Ray never quite analyse the relationship that he had with Neela. Certainly, she was the only one who came close to befriending him on such a level. At first, it was out of necessity, the mutual need for a roommate to help with the rent, etc ... Yet, there was something about his Indian roommate

She with all intent and purpose never asked questions about his past, because she took him for the person that he was, Ray Landon Barnett. She gave him space accordingly to his moods whether he was angry or frustrated. She was liked Jamie in that, they both saw something good in every situation. Jamie had firm beliefs in her faith, while Neela had strong convictions to simply do good. They were both passionate to the point of stubbornness. Yet, there were times when they were unsure of themselves and of their own abilities. In their similarities, there were also differences. Jamie for the most part, relied on her faith, while Neela on facts and figures. Jamie almost lived in a life that never went beyond Beaufort, North Carolina but Neela had seen the worst there was as an ER attendant.

The first stop that he made when he got off the plane was to stop by at County. He hadn't even bother with stopping at the apartment to drop off his stuff or change. He quickly found Neela's room. His presence surprised Susan who had been making her rounds, but one glance at his dishevelled look , she simply nodded and stepped out. There would be time for explanations later. For now, he was content by drowning himself with the sight of her. Pulling a nearby chair closer to the bed, he took one of her cold, unresponsive hand in his own, before drifting off to sleep.

End of Chapter 7

* * *

AN: I have never worked in the ER myself, so I don't really know how to describe surgeries / injuries and the like. Forgive me for my attempt to describe Neela's injuries.

I find that some chapters come easily, but some don't. This one was the latter. I'm not too happy with it because I find that the pace is too slow, so let me know what you guys think.

Also, can somebody confirmed Landon's father's name from the book? Is it Worth Carter? One of the reviewers was telling me and I just want a second confirmation before I change it.


	9. 8 Another Beginning

Standard disclaimers applied. See Prologue for further details.

**Author's Note**: As a special treat for those who reviewed, here is the next chapte. Sorry it's another slow one, but I had to rewrite this chapter twice before I posted. It was just one of those transitional chapters that just didn't click. I'm still not happy with it, but anyways, here it is because I just want it out of my system.

* * *

**Chapter 8: Another Beginning**

_Hello, good morning, how you been?  
Yesterday left my head kicked in  
I never, never thought that  
I would fall like that  
Never knew that I could hurt this bad_

-Switchfoot, Learning to Breathe

He felt a pressure in his hand. It was so faint that he wasn't sure if he was still sleeping or not. There was the squeeze again and he jolted awake. Seeing his intertwined fingers, he looked up to see Neela struggling to open her eyes. The machines indicating her vitals signalled shrilling, alerting the ICU nurses.

"C'mon Neela, wake up," he urged.

The nurse scrambled with the machines. One pushed him slightly aside but he did not go far and held on to her hand.

"Neela, squeeze my hand if you could hear me," he shouted.

She was incoherent at first but he was relieved when he found a small pressure in his fingers. Her chestnut eyes peered open and focussed on him. They spoke of confusion and fear, until he leaned closer, not minding the nurses at all.

"Neela, I'm sorry for everything," he confessed.

She turned away from him and he felt himself falling apart. He was about to leave, but she held onto his hand. She gestured to a small cup of ice chips on the bedside table and he understood. By that time, Pratt had made his way into the room. Apparently, he had been on his way to check on Neela when the machines sounded. He spared a quick welcome back to Ray before he redirected attention on Neela.

Ray stood out for a moment to gather himself. He felt a quick rush of relief running through his bed as he collapsed in the plastic chairs outside the room. He was truly exhausted but he was glad that Neela was on her way to recovery. Pratt came out moments later to spot Ray dozing at the chairs.

"Yo, Barnett."

"Pratt."

"Man, you look like sh-t."

"I feel like I've been gone without sleep for a year."

Pratt's voice was sympathetic when he said, "You know she doesn't blame you."

"What?" Whatever Ray had been expecting Pratt to say, it wasn't this.

"I don't know what the heck happen between you two. I feel bad for whatever family emergency that took you away, but you can't let all this stuff get you down."

"What are you saying, Pratt?"

"I'm saying that Neela is special and she's a friend."

Before Ray could interpret the exchange, he returned to the room. She turned at the sound of his approach. She held out a shaking hand for him which he engulfed with his own.

Taking a well-worn piece of paper from his pocket, he held out for her inspection. It was the note that she left for him that fateful day, "I'm sorry too, Roomie," he whispered.

She blinked once and squeezed his hand in understanding.

-o-o-

Throughout Neela's recovery, the staff from the ER came around with comforting words, hugs and kisses and numerous gifts. Ray was there often, making for the lost time when she was still unconscious. It took a great deal of persuasion on Neela's part to convince him to at least go back to the apartment some of the time.

"I'm sorry for not coming to see you when you were in the coma," he blurted.

Neela sighed. She never blamed him for the accident, but Ray still felt he was partially responsible.

"That day - I got called away to Beaufort for a family emergency. One of my family members was dying," he confessed.

She tried to shift to a more comfortable position on the bed, but nevertheless, giving him her undivided attention.

"Ray - "

"Neela -"

They both started at the same time. Neela felt herself blushing, before saying, "Ray, you don't owe me an explanation."

"Don't I? Everybody thinks I don't care but -"

Here he was interrupted by a knock and a voice from outside on the door. "Neela!"

Recognizing the voice, Neela set up straighter in bed, and before she could call out a prompting, the door opened to admit Neela's parents, her sister and brother-in-law and nephew. Ray knew this from the family photos that Neela had placed around the apartment. Not to mention, the fact that Neela and her younger sister could have been twins if not for Parama's swollen pregnant stomach. Both were similar in stature, from the midnight coloured hair and to the dark round eyes.

Neela's father took one look at Ray and barked, "Are you the doctor?"

Ray was initially taken aback and he could feel Neela's anxious eyes out of his peripheral vision. "Yes and I have to say that your daughter is doing very well, Mr. Ragostra. There were no lasting damages or injuries. She may feel sore for awhile, but I will encourage her to move around bit, but take it easy for awhile. A couple more days of bed rest should do the trick."

He spoke a crisp, yet professional manner, which was deemed acceptable by the slight dismissal from Mr. Ragostra who started conversing in rapid Punjabl with his wife. Neela offered a small grateful smile which Ray acknowledged before he stepped out to give the Ragostras more privacy.

What he had wanted to say before he was interrupted was that Neela had become an important part of his life. She was important before, but it was the first time that he would admit the fact to her and to himself. As he mulled over the thought, he fingered the ring which suspended from silver chain. It was his wedding ring.

At Jamie's funeral, he had taken it off in grief but he never had the courage to put it back on again. Instead, he looped it through his chain, so it would dangle close to his heart. He usually found comfort at the thought a part of her would always be with him.

Now, he felt slightly guilty for standing outside Neela's door. They were speaking in Punjab, but he nevertheless strained himself to catch the rise and fall of Neela's voice. If he knew Punjab, then he could have followed this conversation.

"The hospital called to say that you were in an accident, Neela."

"Yes."

"Are they treating you well here?"

"Yes, I'm fine. You didn't need to come all this way."

"Neela." Her father grunted as if he wanted to say more, but he only motioned for his son-in-law and his wife to follow him outside the room.

"That was unnecessary, Neela, even coming from you." Parama observed when the door was securely closed behind them.

"Oh spare me, Parama."

Parama gave a calculated look around the room as if to appraise its value. "You deserved better than this, Neela," she said. "You didn't have to come all the way to Chicago of all places to become a doctor."

"I love it here. I see that I'm making a difference."

"You can make a difference in England."

"I'm happy, Parama. I feel appreciated here."

"If I recall correctly, you wanted to quit medicine altogether. Then there was what his name - Mark, no Matt ..."

"His name was _Michael Gallant_, Parama. You know very well how I feel about him."

"Oh yes, the soldier who went off to fight in the war. Where is he now, Neela? You could have married and become a mother with kids of your own by now."

"Like you, Parama? You know what, don't answer that. I'm not you, Parama and I'll never will be. Nobody can live this life for me, only I can."

"You don't have to be resentful, Neela. You are right, you make your own choices, but the better question is whether you are making those choices because you are truly happy."

Before Neela could think of a reply, Parama already had her hand on the door. "It wasn't meant to be competition between us."

It was the closest thing to an endearment, but it troubled Neela more than anything else. Did she know what happiness is? Was she fooling herself and everybody else around her? So deep was she in her contemplation that she didn't hear Ray slipping back into room, until he spoke up.

"C'mon Roomie, cheer up."

"Ray! You scared me."

"Neela, you gotta wipe that frown off your face. Rockers aren't about the sad mushy stuff."

She smiled at his attempt to cheer her up, but she wanted to ask him, "Are you happy, Ray? Truly happy?"

He was taken aback, but he wasn't sure whether it was from the seriousness of her tone or the topic of conversation. "Neela, somebody very wise once told me that true happiness is a relative term. If you believe, then that's the only thing that matters."

At this, Ray tentatively took both of Neela's hands into his and said, "Neela, I'm sorry I wasn't here before. No, before you interrupt, let me say this. You are important to me."

"Ray -"

"And, you know what? This whole time I was thinking that it could have been you!"

"I'm still here, Ray."

"He died, Neela, and I end up losing the people that I care about."

Without another word, she extricated her hands from his and wrapped her arms around his neck. He stiffened slightly upon the contact, but eventually relaxed and nearly collapsed into her embrace. Hugging her close and molding her frame into his, he wept into her hair. She held on, adjusting his added weight on her. They stayed liked this with his head upon hers and her head buried in his chest.

"And do you believe, Ray?" she murmured into the folds of his shirt.

He pulled back until they were seeing eye to eye. He was thoughtful as he contemplated his next words. Speaking in a hush but serious tone, he offered, "Do you believe in the wind, Neela?"

"Yes," curious as to his line of questioning.

"Why? You don't see it. It's not something tangible, so how can you believe in it?"

"Because..."

"Exactly, you believe in the wind simply because it is. Now, do you know the answer to your question?"

"Yes." She never thought of it that way. "When did you become so insightful, Ray?"

Ray's eyes nearly betrayed him which he quickly masked with a confident grin, when he said,

"My guardian angel told me."

End of Chapter 8

* * *

AN: So much drama ... don't worry the trials between Neela and Ray aren't over yet, so, I promise that the pace for the next chapters will pick up again.


	10. 9 A Talk With Gates

Standard disclaimers applied. See Prologue for further details.

**Author's Note**: Remember what I said before about manipulating certain events to fit my story, here is a clear indication. I have changed the events in _The Human Shield_ and _Two Ships_, consider yourself warn!

* * *

**Chapter 9: A Talk With Gates**

"Guardian angel," she murmured. She never figured such an expression would be in Ray's vocabulary. It was almost too romantic and too wistful for the rocker persona that he had constructed himself.

Neela made a speedy recovery after the accident and was soon demanded to be discharged, so she could go back to work. Ray refused to let her overexert her, but Neela stood her ground and he had no choice but to concede to the fact she was indeed recovered and was more than ready to go back to work.

"Neela!"

The Indian doctor quickly snapped herself out of reverie and turned to the source of the voice. She could feel herself blushing at being caught daydreaming by Pratt. The other doctor decided to spare a lecture, when he said, "Lucky day, Neela, up for a paramedic ride-along?"

Before she could respond, another voice interjected, "No fair. When do I get to do a ride-along?"

Neela felt the heat of her cheeks at Ray's whining, but she was spare from making a comment, when Pratt chided, "When I say so, Barnett. C'mon Neela, last I checked, ETA was 2 minutes."

Neela looked back at Ray who gave her a mock salute, before she diverted her attention to the oncoming ambulance. After unloading the patients and giving the standard rundown, Pratt introduced her to Paramedics Zadro White and Tony Gates. Apparently, Zadro and Pratt went back in a day when they used to play ball together. They reminisced a little as Neela caught Gate's stare.

"What?"

"Nothing, just wondering why I never become a doctor."

"Oh?"

"Yes, if I knew you were a MD, I would have changed careers a long time ago."

"I don't know you and it goes without saying that you don't know me. How can you say stuff like that?"

"Easily, words just come from my mouth. As for your first observations, I can easily remedy that. Why don't a treat you a pair of hockey tickets, so we can get acquainted. However, if you prefer a quiet night in ..."

"Pul..ease, spare me."

Neela jumped onto the bus, conveniently ignoring Pratt and Zadro who missed their conversation entirely. Gates smirked but he offered no further comments as he climbed up to the driver seat, with Zadro following suit.

Their ride was relatively eventful. There was few domestic house calls, a heart attack victim, a trauma with victims caught in a shoot up which resulted with them going back to County. By the time lunch rolled around, Neela thought that Gates had dropped his previous queries.

She would admit that she was caught off guard by his initial persistence. His candid, yet cocky attitude reminded her a little of Ray. His chestnut eyes and quirky grin teased her discomfort, but liked she said before, she didn't know Gates. However in the back of her mind, she realized that she didn't her current roommate very well either.

Zadro answered another call from Central as Gates followed the given directions. The three tended to a homeless man, but it turned out that he didn't really medical attention.

"So, why did you call 911?" asked Neela.

"I just wanted a ride!"

Gates stepped forward and took pity on the man, when he said, "A word of advice, next time fake a seizure," while giving him cab fare.

Neela rolled her eyes at the gesture. Leaving Zadro to finish up at the scene, she dragged Gates away.

"Do you say that to every homeless man on the street who want a ride on the EMS?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Fake a seizure? How can you something like that?"

"Easily, words just ..."

"Come from your mouth, so you say."

"So you were listening."

"Yes, I do have ears."

"Among other things ..."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You can take it anyway you want, Mayday."

"Mayday?" Gates and Neela reeled at the sound of Zadro's voice. The other paramedic laughed at their identical expressions.

Gates quickly recovered and explained, "Yes, Mayday, 'cause she always worked herself up and send a distress signal over every little thing."

Neela was indignant over the new nickname, so she made a show to ignore him as she climbed back onto the bus. At the last minute, she turned back and retorted, "Well you Gates, is like a dog in heat."

"What?"

She felt a small victory at catching him off guard.

"You're always wagging your tongue over every little thing," she smirked, using his own expression against him.

Zadro only laughed harder, but he managed to say, "Tony here, is only afraid of all the married women, but you're alright, doc."

It was as though Neela had passed some unspoken initiation between the two paramedics. They rode around some more, making about two more stops at County. Pratt met them with the words, "So, how's Neela doin'?"

"Oh, she could smile more," Zadro joked, "but, she's alright." He winked at her when he said it. Neela only rolled her eyes at his comment as she walked over to the desk to fill in the customary forms. She knew both paramedics would gladly defer the tedious paper work to her.

"So, how are you doing, Roomie?"

Ray sauntered over to where Neela was and was quickly engulfed by the smell of her paramedic's jacket.

Neela looked up from her writing and was relieved to see the familiar face of her roommate staring down at her. "It's so different than working in the ER," she began

"I would imagine that it would be."

She gave him a quick rundown of her patients today as Ray made the appropriate nodding and prompting. "Gates reminds me of you," she finished by saying.

"What?" Whatever Ray was expecting her to say, it certainly wasn't this.

"Don't tell me he's a rocker as well."

Neela laughed at that, catching the attention of others within the vicinities including Gates.

"No, you're the only rocker/doctor that I care enough to know, Roomie."

-o-o-

It was later on in the shift when Gates announced that they were going to stop for free coffee. He turned to Neela and say, "Now, don't make a big fuss over some java."

Zadro offered to get coffees for everyone, as Neela climbed to the front to sit with Gates.

"He has been having a secret affair with the lady who sells the coffee here. She's the only person in all of Chicago who can make coffee the way that Zadro likes it," Gates confided to Neela. He winked at her for an effect.

"Do you?"

"Do I what?"

"Have a secret affair."

"Only with you, Mayday."

"My name is Neela Ragostra and I-" Neela caught herself from saying that she already have a boyfriend.

Gates noted her slip of tongue. "It doesn't surprise me if you already have a boyfriend, Mayday."

Neela sighed at the infernal nickname. "I don't have a boyfriend. I used to but ... oh, it's a long story."

"It was his lost for dumping you," Gates immediately jumped to the wrong conclusion.

"No, not exactly. He died while fighting in Iraq."

Gates looked at her once and was silent as he allowed this piece of news to sink in. He was about to apologize when Neela interrupted, "You don't need to be sorry. You didn't know."

"Still, it doesn't surprise me that you have people who care about you especially the guy that you were talking to today."

"Who? Pratt?"

"No, the one that you were talking to over at the desk."

Neela cocked an eyebrow at Gate's seemingly innocent observation. "It must be Ray then. He's my roommate."

It was Gate's turn to stare but he allowed the contemplative silence to settle between them. The mood was only briefly interrupted by Zadro returning with cups of caffeine. Zadro didn't immediately return to the bus but instead opted to talk with the lady who was selling the coffee. Gates let out a small smile at his partner's predictability, even Neela had to concur with Gate's early assessment.

"I think he cares about you too."

Neela almost choked on her coffee. She coughed as the dark liquid went down the wrong pipe, while Gates wisely took hold of the Styrofoam cup.

"Do you always make random comments like that, Gates?" She asked when she recovered.

"They aren't random," but before Gates could elaborate further, they were interrupted by the distant sounds of an explosion.

End of Chapter 9

* * *

AN: This chapter is slightly shorter than the rest, but hopefully the next one will be longer. Do you guys think that Gates was OOC ... let me know what you guys think in a review 'k.


	11. 10 What Was Found Amongst the Wreckage

Standard disclaimers applied. See Prologue for further details.

**Author's Note**: Again, I have changed the events in _The Human Shield_ and _Two Ships_.

PLEASE NOTE _I considered this chapter to be darker, with more mature themes. The rating for this chapter has been raised to a **T** to be on the safe side. Consider yourself warn!_

_

* * *

_

**Chapter 10: What Was Found Amongst the Wreckage **

The aftershock could be heard from the people at County. One switch of the television screen alerted the staff of the plane crash. Carter immediately and efficiently rounded up his staff, while cancelling any non-critical surgeries.

"Alright people, we're probably expecting a large amount of casualties. I want everyone to be prepared."

"We should probably send somebody off to the site," Susan put in.

Carter nodded, "Yes I'll be going. Susan, I'll leave you in charge along with Luka. Call the OR. Abby, Sam, I want the both of you ..." He continued to assign everybody with other tasks to prep the ER for the casualties.

As Carter headed off, Ray followed him. "What is it, Ray?"

"I want to tag along. Neela's probably going to be there," Ray put in.

This stopped Carter in tracks. It was rather touching that Ray's first thoughts were on Neela above all else. He knew that in all fairness for all of the residents and med students, Pratt should be the one to be on site, but the touch of anguish on Ray's face, swayed his decision.

"Alright Ray, you can come with me. I'll let Pratt go up to the rooftops and meet the helicopters."

-o-o-

The problem was pretty obvious by the time, Zadro, Gates and Neela arrived on scene. A single-engine craft had struck a passenger plane in mid-air at low altitude moments after takeoff. Chaos was everywhere in the pandemonium of burning buildings and motionless bodies. Some were walking around in a daze, while others were screaming in agony.

The medical personnel took a moment to reorient themselves. Gates took a hold of Neela as if to bring her back to reality, "Come on," he urged.

Zadro followed off to the side behind them with some of their equipment. The threesome stopped at the first body. Neela mechanically took off her stethoscope to listen for a vital sign. Gates again reached forward to still her hand, "We don't have a lot of time. The best that we can do for now is to give them tags, green is nothing, yellow is urgent, red is critical, black is dead."

Neela blinked as if struck by the seriousness of his tone. She wanted to be angry at his uncaring attitude but one look and she knew that he was right. Yet all the same, she wonder if this was the same person who had just called her 'Mayday?' Gates offered a weak smile before moving off to her left and began his search. The process was mechanical until the three were joined by others, accompanied by the sounds of ambulance in the distance.

In the thick of everything that's happening, Neela lost count of the colours and the number of tags that she placed on the crash victims. The mush of rainbow colours all transcended into black. The hours faded into the night. Bodies were covered and retrieved, categorized and lost. People, mostly medical personnel came and went, disappeared into the backs of ambulances among the blinking red. She tried to tune out her feelings as she walked the body-filled site. Everywhere she looked, she was greeted by the silence. That is until she looked up.

She was shock and then numb, but an immediate feeling of relief rushed through her. There in front of her was Ray, her dear sweet roommate in the backdrop of still-burning building. He stood staring at her, stethoscope in one hand, and a medical bag in the other. His lab coat barely covered his rocker t-shirt. She didn't even realize that she noticed all the little details about him, down to the single ring which suspended from his customary silver chain around his neck. His eyes bore into hers, relief at the sight of her. There was something else that she couldn't identify, but she didn't bother analysing it as she crossed the distance for him to envelope his arms around her.

In the midst of tears and hugs, Ray only tightened his hold around the lithe form of a woman in front of him. "Neela," he whispered into her hair.

When they finally pulled apart, there needed to be no words, for none would adequately explain the amount of emotions between them. They stuck close together and renewed the process among the victims. They met up with Dr. Carter who was staring at a pile of wreckage. Amongst the debris was distinctive red carry on bag.

"Red," murmured the older doctor. Before either roommate could stop him, Carter dug through the remains to pull out the bag for inspection. He examined it from all sides in search for something.

Seeing the bewildered expressions on Ray and Neela's faces, Carter tried to explain, "Deb ... she was supposed to be on a plane to visit her sick father. ... I bought her a red luggage set once ... she said that it was her favourite colour."

He trailed off, but there was no need for blatant explanations. His implications were clear. Carter looked to Neela who could only shake her hand, "No, I didn't see her."

The trio wordlessly started on a new section of the site. This time they had a purpose in mind, hoping that they won't find their fellow colleague and friend in amongst the wreckage. Tony Gates joined up with them, part way through their search. Carter acknowledged him cordially, having met him earlier at County. He gave a brief description of Deb. "Have you seen anybody ..."

Gates shook his head, "Nothing that specific but ..." Both men knew how hard it is to keep track of each body that you went by. Some bodies needed to be identified, while others were unidentified unless by scientific means. Like everybody on scene, Gates knew better to offer false hope, but it was his nature not to discourage anybody either. "My partner, Zadro is over there, maybe you can ask him."

Carter nodded but before he could say anything, Ray interrupted, "We'll finished off here and then we'll join you later."

They watched him leave, until Gates turned to Neela with a hint of mischief, "How are we holding up, Mayday?" he asked.

Neela frowned, while Ray laughed which he tried to cover unsuccessfully with a cough. "Mayday?"

"That wasn't very nice, Gates," Neela pouted, sounding exasperated. However, she would never admit how grateful she was for the sheer normalcy in hearing that dreadful nickname. She gave a slight punch at Ray's arm to stop his laughter.

"Don't go there, Ray, you know I have plenty of blackmail to embarrass you right now."

Ray quickly countered, "Right back at ya, Roomie."

Neela knew not to encourage Ray further as she offered to do the formal introductions. "Ray, this is Tony Gates, a very annoying paramedic. Gates, this is Ray Barnett, the very annoying roommate that I happened to live with."

Even, Gates had to laugh at that as the two men shook hands. "I think we have to compare notes, Gates."

"Oh?"

"Yes, on my very annoying Roomie here," Ray said tongue in cheek.

Gates wisely ignored the indignant Neela when he agreed, "You mean, Mayday here? Sure, name the time and place and I will even bring the free coffee."

-o-o-

If either men were surprised at their quick friendship in the whirlwind of a plane crash site, they didn't mention it. The saying is true that tragedies pull people closer together. The fragility of human life really makes you value your friends, families and those around you. At one point, Ray pulled out his cell phone to call his mom. "Mom, it's Landon ... yes ... I'm fine ..."

If Neela who was nearby, caught his sudden name change, she made no visible reaction. However, she was debating whether or not to call her own sister and family. Gates was perceptive to her line of thinking. "Do you have somebody to call home to?"

Neela purposely sidestepped the question, "I don't have a boyfriend, remember? Besides, my roommate is here. I don't have anybody else to call home to."

"Then maybe, we should remind Zadro to call his coffee lady. She'll probably wonder if she still has business the next day."

Neela smiled at Gate's attempt to relieve any awkwardness. "Do you have somebody to call home to, Tony?"

It was the first time she had called him by his first name. "Don't you remember that I have a fear for married woman, Neela?"

End of Chapter 10

* * *

AN: I know, this is a short chapter, but I think there is already a lot of emotions. No, I'm not making this a Gates/Neela fic. I did say it was going to be a Reela in the summary!

Think of it as an exploration of sorts with hints of different levels of friendships. I mean I don't won't it to be just a fic about Ray and Neela because human nature is so complex. I am trying to delve into the human psyche. I just hope you guys enjoy the experience as much as I like writing it so far. Let me know how you guys find it 'k.


	12. 11 Introspection

Standard disclaimers applied. See Prologue for further details.

**Author's Note**: I think the rating is dropped back then to a K+ now.

* * *

**Chapter 11: Introspection**

Ray tiredly opened the door to the apartment. Neela soundlessly followed closely behind him as she locked the door. They were exhausted, both physically and emotionally. The aftermath of the plane crash left a lasting reminder into the heart of Chicago. This goes without saying that the staff of County General have been affected as well.

There was the general appearance that it was just like any other triage. Lives were saved, others were not despite modern technology. Family members were reunited, while some sought solace in each other. However for many, a tragedy so close to home had certainly struck a chord. Relief did not begin to describe the feelings of the ER staff when they heard that Dr. Chen was in fact not on that flight. She had in fact, got on an earlier one that day. John Carter was the first person that she called when she safely landed. They spoke for a long time, but nobody really knew their topic of conversation. That was because Carter had opted to answer his cell phone from County's roof top. There was an unspoken rule on the floor that the roof top was a sanctuary of sorts. Very few ventured up there when another colleague needed the privacy.

John Carter sent as much as his staff as he could home after the ordeal. He also gave Ray and Neela explicit instructions not to step foot into the ER until they had gotten some rest. They didn't need to be told twice as they stepped into the welcoming sight of their shared apartment. Without fanfare, Neela jumped into the shower with Ray heating up water for some hot chocolate. So deep in his thoughts that he failed to hear Neela's reentrance into the kitchen until she gently tapped him on the shoulder.

"Ray," he jumped at the sound of her voice, and nearly spilling the fresh cup of hot drink in his hand.

"Neela, you scared me."

She apologized as she retrieved the other cup that Ray had poured for her.

"You were in another world. What were you thinking about just now?" she asked before taking a tentative sip of her drink.

"About human lives in general," he paused as if to gauge her reaction, but she said nothing while waiting for him to continue.

"How many people died tonight, Neela? How many lives were affected because of a single event? When things like this happens, it doesn't affect the immediate people, but their families and friends, and people like us."

"That is our job, Ray. Not matter how much we want to, we can't change the past."

"Do you live by those principles too, Neela?"

"What do you mean?"

"It is a simple question."

"But, a simple question doesn't always imply a simple answer." To say the truth, Neela was taken aback by the sudden verbal loop that Ray threw at her.

"So, you won't answer it?" his voice was borderline challenging.

"No... I mean yes I will answer it," she was quick to defend, "I know that it's impossible to change the past."

Softly, she added, "But, that doesn't mean we don't want to try."

He conceded to her point, "Life is about all the shoulda-woulda and coulda's. 'If not' are two depressing words in the English vocabulary. Look at our jobs. How many lives do we touch each day? How many people do we saved, or better yet, how many we can't save? Some who live are undeserving of this life, while some who die when they have a lifetime ahead of them. It's not fair, you know."

"I wish that we can save everybody, but I can't. Sometimes, I question whether or not I am competent enough to be a doctor."

Ray sharply turned at her confession, but he was resolute when he said, "I don't think it is a matter of competence."

Taking a deep breath he added, "Nobody believed that I would make it pass high school, much less a doctor. For that matter, people in my hometown thought that it was a miracle that I didn't land myself into jail first. It was more than a miracle - "

Neela was struck by the wistfulness in her normally-cheerful roommate. Ray was evasive about his past, but she understood that some things were better left unsaid for simplicity sake. The roommate in question, who had been leaning against the kitchen counter, set down his empty mug and murmured a goodnight. Neela was left at the kitchen table with her half-finished drink. She heard the sounds of the shower running, as she mentally played back the conversation in her mind.

Tonight could be categorized as an unfinished vignette. Meaningful words were exchanged but they brought no resolution for the two parties involved. There was a hidden meaning in his words and having lived with Ray for such an extended period, she could detect the implications of underlying sadness. Did he not trust her enough to tell her? Was it any of her business? Then again, she was being hypocritical. How long had the memories of Gallant haunted her since his death? How often had she thought about sharing her feelings with Ray?

Normally, Neela would not allow herself such an introspection, but as this line of thinking took hold, she knew it was necessary to get it out of her system. For all intents and purposes, Ray was not Michael. She was not replacing one with the other. She had loved Michael then, because he had been a beacon during her period of insecurities. He was protector and she became dependent on him for all her emotional comforts. In his letters, he always called her 'baby,' or 'honey' or references to being 'his girl,' but she was never physically his alone. There was always the military and medicine.

On a rare phone call from his regiment base, he had proposed to her. In a moment of epiphany, she refused. There he was overseas and she was Chicago. She wondered if all their important decisions would be made with the Atlantic Ocean between them. Their parting was bitter and she felt guilty for it. She tried to explain herself in a letter but she couldn't know for sure whether he received it or not. No correspondences came for a couple months until she got the phone call which brought news of his death. She blamed herself. If only, she had accepted him, then perhaps, he would have the will to live.

Now, she could never apologize to him in person. She carried this burden alone and retreated further into her work. Again, she questioned herself and her capabilities. How could she be a good doctor when she only hurt the ones who were capable of loving?

She couldn't quit medicine all together partly because of her family, out of spite against their high expectations. Also, she knew that in her heart, medicine was at the epicentre of her life. Unknowingly, Ray had been an integral part of her life and she had become accustomed to having him both at home and at work.

She remembered the time when he said, _You are important to me_ (1). The period when she was hospitalized and Ray had to go back to Beaufort was always an unapproachable topic. The emotions were too raw and it was easier to just move on. Yet, unresolved issues had the tendency to fester like a barely-perceptible pot of boiling water. She wished she had the courage to tell him how she felt when she saw him in the midst of the plane wreckage, how her heart skipped faster at the thought that he came to look for her.

She always felt that they were playing a tug-of-war where nobody was pulling very hard, because they were both afraid of disturbing the equilibrium. She was vaguely aware of the fact that the shower was turned off. Perhaps, now was as good as time as any to tell him how she felt. Suddenly feeling very shy, she wondered how she was going to approach the subject. When the door to the bathroom reopened again, she began by calling his name.

-o-o-

Ray let the shower runs for a few minutes as the water cascaded down his back. He tried clearing his thoughts, while letting the water cleansed away the images from the plane crash. One that he could not push away was a certain pair of chocolate-coloured eyes. He remembered catching her gaze as Neela looked up from the body of the patient that she had been treating at the time. All around was chaos, but Ray felt an immediate sense of calm at the sight of her.

He had once made a vow to close off his heart. It was almost ironic. Not so long ago, Jamie had made him promise not to fall in love with her. Being the ignorant teen that he was, he arrogantly laughed it off. Who knew that before summer's end he would be marrying the very same girl? Jamie's death had left a noticeable void in his life. That's why he decided to distance himself and the person that he once was to begin anew.

Ray Landon Barnett emerged from the remnants of Landon Rollins Carter. Ray would be the first person to admit that he was still Landon. The only difference was that he refused to love again, but his passion for music flared. He had casual female friends throughout his premed and then medical studies. However, he was not close enough to anybody to disclose his blissful days in Beaufort.

Chicago offered something different, fast-paced, exciting, and a job opportunity. It also had Neela in it. Somehow, she became more than just a roommate and a fellow colleague. Her presence dominated a majority part of his personal life both in and out of the ER. He became dependent of having her around. That realization was most keenly felt when he was forced to decide between her and the Reverend.

A small part of him still regretted the decision, but he would quickly banished the thought in his mind. He quickly attributed the incident to fear - the fear of losing one of the constants in his life. The mere idea of her being in that crash or the vicinity of it made him vulnerable - a concept that he would not readily admit to himself.

Turning off the facets, he stepped out of shower. Staring at his own reflection in the mirror, he drew the conclusion that he felt more than just friendship towards his Indian roommate ...

Fully dressed, he was surprised to see that Neela had been waiting for him when he came out of the bathroom. At that moment, he gathered enough courage to tell her the truth. He was about to call out her name, but he was interrupted by a single word, "Landon."

End of Chapter 11

* * *

(1) This is from chapter 8.

AN: Another chapter is completed. I know you guys must hate me for this bit of cliffhanger. Honestly, I have no idea how the events are going to turn out, so review and give me your opinion. I'll update as soon as possible.


	13. 12 Realization

Standard disclaimers applied. See Prologue for further details.

**Author's Note**: The lyrics in the beginning is from "I won't last a day without you," sang by Karen Carpenter. The song does not belong to me.

* * *

**Chapter 12: Realization**

_Day after day I must face a world of strangers  
Where I don't belong, I'm not that strong  
It's nice to know that there's someone I can turn to  
Who will always care, you're always there_

Karen Carpenter - I Won't Last A Day Without You

"Landon." She had called him. The word association stunned him. The bewildered expression on her face alerted him to the fact that she was just as surprised by her form of address as he was.

"What did you call me?" He asked when he finally regained his voice.

"I don't know ..." she stammered, "It just came out ..."

Neela was flustered. She knew that it was Ray's middle name. She also heard him calling himself that when he dialled up his mom. Another time, Frank had brought up the fact that somebody called for a 'Landon Carter' but Ray had answered it instead. She never gave it much thought even when people called for a Landon at the apartment.

"Landon is my middle name," Ray explained belatedly.

"I know. I'm sorry ... it's just came out. I don't know what came over me," she tried to explain herself. All of sudden, she couldn't stop babbling, as if all the emotions that she had accumulated throughout the day finally erupted in a series of incoherent thoughts. The only thing that she was certain was the fact that she couldn't bear it if Ray walking away from her.

"You know, I heard you calling yourself Landon, when you were talking to your mom just now. It's funny the only time you ever called yourself that was when you came home drunk as much as a person could be drunk. You told me your name was Landon and not Ray ... I never really cared for it though ... but then said somebody call for Landon one time ... I just don't know what came over me. It just seem so natural at the time."

Ray took a calming breath to compose himself. Other than those who came from Beaufort, nobody else had called him Landon for a long time. Hearing it from Neela's mouth, he had the sudden vision of another brown-hair girl who called him thus. "Oh Jamie," he thought. However just as his thoughts materialized, he quickly reminded himself that Neela wasn't Jamie and it wasn't fair to the girl in front of him. He really needed to clear his head.

"Please ..."

The sound of Neela's desperate voice stopped him in tracks. "Don't do this. I don't know what came over me, but just don't run away. I just ... I don't know ... but he always ran away, too many have turned away already ..."

He turned back suddenly realizing that somehow the conversation had turned and that Neela wasn't just talking about him anymore.

"He was so good at doing that, you know. Of course, he had the best intentions. What's better than serving your own country? It was his way of solving everything by keeping an ocean between us. We couldn't really talk about the serious stuff."

She had been transfixed by the carpet at the bottom of feet, when she suddenly looked into his eyes hoping for understanding. "I wish we could have talk about things face-to-face but he was already gone. But, you're here now, right, Ray? You won't leave me ..."

Whatever resolve that she held was lost as she collapsed onto the carpet beneath her. Tears rolled incessantly. Ray had rushed forward and was now offering his arms as refuge. All the while, she murmured, "Why did all these people have to die? Why did he have to leave? It's not fair!"

"I don't know," he answered honestly.

"Please ... don't go."

"I promise that I won't run away from you, Neela."

"Don't make promises that you can't keep, Ray."

Pulling her chin up so that she was facing him, he asked "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Every moment, our lives can be changed just like that. Now here you are promising that you won't ever leave. What can you just make a comment like that?"

"I can because I know what's like to run away from something, but I also know what it's like to go after something worthwhile."

They stared face to face, with only the occasional hiccup from Neela to fill in the silence. All he wanted to do at that moment was to reach out and touch her tear-stained cheeks. Despite their best efforts to ignore the tension in the air, the silence between them dragged on.

"How did everything fall apart?" she asked softly.

"I don't know, Neela."

"You're really here, aren't you?"

"It's still me." They were so close and without another word, they bridged the void with a single kiss.

Neela was overwhelmed the sensation of Ray's mouth closing around hers. All thoughts left her and Ray took her momentary shock to explore her lips - so soft and sweet. The smell of his aftershave and cologne bombarded her senses. There was something that was very distinctly Ray that she could not quite identify but she could care less. He slowly prodded for the entrance into her mouth by running his tongue along her lips. Her fingers tangled into his brown locks as his slowly run his hands up the sides of her waist and under her shirt. Their kiss deepened as their tongues united and Neela fully molded herself into him, pushing them forward until he crashed onto the carpet beneath him with her on top. The impact jolted them apart, but Ray reached out to clasp his hand around hers.

"I'm sorry," he murmured. 

She stopped his declaration midway but pressing her fingertips on his lips. "Please, don't ..."

Without reservation, she pulled his head down for another kiss. There was no specific moment that she fell in love with him, but she knew that she could not fathom waking up in the morning without having him in her life. Ray responded with equal passion, before drawing out her bottom lip. With her arms around him, she pulled his head closer until he could feel her hot breath upon his. Their tongues met, tasting each other to the beat of their internal rhythms.

He pulled away slightly to stare at her upturn face. He smiled at the seemingly peaceful countenance that now replaced her former melancholy. She opened her eyes that had been previously closed to see the look of confusion on her roommate's face. There was so much unsaid between them, and they would be kidding themselves if they said that committing to anything would be easy. It would take time, but for now, nothing was more certain than the presence of two tender hearts.

End of Chapter 12

* * *

AN: Revised May 2007


	14. 13 When the Morning Comes

Standard disclaimers applied. See Prologue for further details.

**Author's Note**: This is a longer chapter than chapter 12. Your reviews made me realize that this fic isn't a lost cause and that there are people who are still following the story. For that, I thank you because I try really hard to make this enjoyable and believable. As I mentioned before, certain chapters just come more easily than others.

Also, I forgot to mention the fact that you guys have submitted over 100 reviews for this fic! I never would have managed to get this far without your support.

* * *

**Chapter 13: When the Morning Comes**

To say that when Neela and Ray woke up the next day with all of their problems behind them would be a lie. Sometime during the night, they made their way to Ray's bed. In the morning, Neela found herself in an abandoned bed, with the sounds of an unfamiliar DJ in her ear. Growling slightly, she reached over to the nightstand to shut out the incessant noise, while fighting to regain the last remnants of sleep. Her hand found air instead and her attention was immediately peaked. Chocolate eyes snapped opened and she found herself in a room that was not her own. The familiar cream coloured walls were replaced with various unidentifiable posters of hometown bands. She was slightly disoriented, until she was interrupted by the sound of somebody clearing their throat.

Ray had been watching form the door. He had woken up a few minutes earlier. Now, clad only in his boxers and a white t-shirt, he leaned his frame against the entrance of his bedroom. There needed to be no words as he joined her on the bed. Her back was against this chest as they saw the arrival of another day in the Wind City. Despite the late night, they were both feeling remarkably refreshed.

For now, the scope of their world consisted of only the apartment. For Ray, the tranquillity of the moment brought a flashback of a morning spent at a cemetery with another brunette. His thoughts were interrupted when Neela asked, "Who's Jamie?"

All breath left him and Ray couldn't be sure if he was more surprised now or when she called him, Landon. "What?"

"Just now you said, something to the effect of 'Oh, Jamie.'"

Ray hadn't realize that he had spoken his thoughts aloud. "Ray? What's wrong?"

He sought for the words and sighed, trying to sort all the jumbled thoughts in his head. Where would he begin? How could he explain the countless years of being Ray Landon Barnett? Would she feel betrayed?

He had been so quick to admit his feelings to Neela the night before, while fighting internally of the guilt that he was somehow betraying his late wife. Yet the words were spoken and it simply would not do for him to retract them now. Banishing all thoughts in his mind, he plunged headlong and began with, "You were right when you called me Landon. The only people that still calls me that are my parents and my friends from Beaufort, because everybody else knows me as Ray Barnett."

"So you had a name change?"

"Yes, but it was more than that. You know that I grew up in North Carolina, but you'll be surprised by the person that I was back then. I was young and naive, and a world-class badarse. Although Weaver would argue the fact that I am still too much of a jock for her hospital."

His joke was weak but it helped to alleviate the tension slightly. So, he began by telling her about how he played that awful highschool prank that landed Clay in hospital and him in the school play and tutoring. "Mind you it wasn't the easiest to do. I wasn't play-material and I needed help with my lines. There was the only person that I could have ask and that was the star of the play and lead singer."

"Let me guess, that was Jamie."

"Yes."

"I'll bet that she was an attractive blonde that you had a crush on."

"No, she was a beautiful brunette who was the Reverend's daughter. I wanted nothing to do with her at the time. Then again, she wanted nothing to do with me either. At one point, she even slammed the door in my face because I was such a jerk to her."

Neela smiled at the mental image, "So what happened?"

"I sucked in whatever pride that I had to ask her for help but she only had one condition." He paused, debating how to phrase his words.

"What was it?"

"She told me not to fall in love with her."

Ray who had been watching Neela's face, could note the exact moment that Neela came to her own conclusions as he suspected that she would. He felt a sudden disappointment when she extricated herself from his bed and stood up. "Don't tell me, you fell in love with her."

She wasn't sure why she was angry, and she was confused as to why Ray decided to tell her this. Ray who had been anticipating her answer nodded.

"You have to understand that Jamie wasn't the average girl you will fell in love with. My friends used to make fun of her. The 'Virgin Mary' was what we nicknamed her. She hid from everybody, behind her books, her sweaters, her singing. She was the Reverend's daughter for crying out loud. We don't even hang around the same groups."

"Yet, you manage to fall in love with her," Neela whispered.

"Yeah ... Jamie had her faith and her beliefs. She made me see that there is more to this life. She had so much optimism and saw hope in everything. I was forever changed because of her ..."

"You are speaking in past tense."

He got up and out of the room. Curious and slightly offended by the fact that Ray had walked away, Neela followed. Ray went to the telescope that was situated by the balcony. Running his hand through the body of the contraption, he said, "I found out a couple months into dating her that she had leukemia. She was so young still, but she had already stopped responding to treatments."

Hearing the anguish in his voice, part of her initial anger faded away, "Did she ..."

He didn't hear her implications as he continued, "You know what her number one wish was? She had wanted to get marry in the same church as her parents."

He was in another world, thinking about the wedding ceremony that tied him, Landon Rollins Carter to Jamie Elizabeth Sullivan for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, through sickness and unhealth ...

"You still love her."

It was not a question but a statement of fact. She didn't realize how much she was affected by it, until she heard his response, mainly because he didn't deny it either.

"I couldn't stop loving her. I tried doing that by running away. I changed my name and moved away from home. I came here and become a doctor, but at the end of the day, Jamie would always be a part of me."

His confession came out wrong. The moment that he was finished he realized that it was too late to retract those words. He didn't know the extent of his words and how they impacted Neela. Her face contorted as she fought to hold back her tears, but she wasn't fooling anybody. Crystalline tears rolled down her cheeks as she choke back her sobs. For the life of her, Neela tried to find some semblance of control.

"Neela, no, I didn't mean like that ..."

She was crying and shaking her head. "No, Ray, stop ... you're still in love with her ..."

"Neela! Wait ..." But she didn't stop to listen.

"No, just leave me alone, Ray!"

"Neela, just let me explain. ..." He reached out to her as she was backing away. She pulled back, resisting him. He snatched his hand away as if it was burned. She stood sobbing silent tears that she no longer tried to hold back.

"Please, just let me be," she pleaded.

"I don't want to lose you."

"I was never yours to begin with," she interjected quietly.

He misunderstood her meaning. She meant that his love was never hers for the wanting, because it always remained with Jamie. Whereas Ray thought that he never stood a chance with her because she was still in love with Gallant.

"Last night was a mistake," she murmured resolutely.

"As I recalled, all we did last night was talking, kissing and then falling asleep in my bed."

"If that is the way that you see last night then ..."

"Don't you get it? That's what we did but that's not how I feel about it. I mean it when I said that I love you, Neela Ragostra. I haven't allow myself to love somebody for a long time. I told you so many times before and I stand by the fact that you are important to me."

"But, what about Jamie?"

"Please try to understand that I would always love Jamie but it's a different kind of love ..."

He spoke to her in such earnest that she was actually ashamed of getting mad in the first place. How must Ray feel knowing that she loved Gallant before his death?

"I know that, Ray."

"Why do I sense a but-statement coming?"

"But, what about work? What would other people think?"

"Since when did you care about what people think? Half the time they think of me as some jock anyways."

"But, you're a great doctor."

"And you are an awesome physician, so it doesn't really matter what people think."

-o-o-

They were given three whole days to themselves. They spent the days thus, within the close proximity of each other. The took turns cooking it the kitchen, laughing at each other's attempts, or rather it was Ray's attempts. He played his guitar as Neela rested her feet on his lap. They shopped at the Jumbomart in the middle of the night and went to Ray's gigs. Bret gave a knowing smirk when Ray arrived at the bar with guitar in one hand and the other wrapped around Neela's waist. Bret could not help but rub it in, "Yo doc, I thought you had better taste than Ray here. He finally rub off on ya."

"I like to think that I rub off on him."

Ray growled good naturally before dragging Bret towards the sound equipment. "C'mon Bret, lets go."

The bandmate allowed himself to be led away. "We'll swap stories later doc, cause I know some pretty embarrassing stories of Ray during drinking parities."

"It can't be any worse than what he does around the apartment."

-o-o-

The morning of the third day, Neela found herself waking up to an empty bed. Her eyes quickly found Ray standing beside the window. "What is it?"

"I remember one time, Jamie and I slipped off to the cemetery at night, so we could watch the sunrise together."

She was curious. "Why the cemetery?"

"Jamie had built a telescope there and it was the only way that she could go out at night without the Reverent suspending something. Mind you, Jamie claims that she can't be seduced, so I brought extra blankets."

"So the telescope in the apartment?"

"I built it fo her just a couple months before she died."

Neela remained thoughtful. It was hard for her to hear Ray speak of somebody so intimately but in a way, this was the woman who brought the change in Landon Carter.

"I remember that Michael always like the sunrise. He said that as a soldier, the sunrise gives him hope, that he lived to see another day. In my mind, I understand why he has to go and fight, but in m heart, I want to be selfish. I don't know if I can wake up in the morning not knowing whether he is going to come home or not. I do love him though but a relationship goes both ways. "

Her voice quivered, but nevertheless, she admitted the one fact that had haunted since Gallant's death. "He proposed to me over the phone just before his unit is about to relocate. I realize then that he can't expect for me to simply stay at home while we make every decision when he's at some undisclosed army base. It's my life too."

"It's not your fault, Neela. Nobody can blame you for what happen."

"I blame myself because if only I had accepted ... then maybe he would be alive today."

"I don't think you can change the outcome of something that is happening thousand of miles away from a simple yes or no. Gallant did what he did fully knowing what was at stake. I don't think that he wants to leave all this guilt around yourself."

He kissed her tenderly in comfort, but he knew for a fact that while a part of himself would always remain with Jamie, a part of Neela would always reserve for Gallant.

End of Chapter 13

* * *

AN: No worries, there are more chapters to follow, so I hope you guys will continue with the chronicles of Ray and Neela. Also, don't forget to r/r. 


	15. 14 The Change in the Tides

Standard disclaimers applied. See Prologue for further details.

**Author's Note**: It's so nice to open my email and get all your nice reviews. Thank you so much.

* * *

**Chapter 14: The Change in the Tides**

On the surface, County General is just as it always been three months ago since the plane crash. The moment that one steps through the emergency bay, the perpetual chaos that comes with the territory should be no surprise. Yet, if one chooses to investigate, the people who work within the ER have changed.

The rumour mill was buzzing with news of Luka and Abby sleeping together while nurse Sam was left by the sidelines. However, recent events with the disappearance of Sam's only son Alex, had brought the ever charismatic Tony Gates onto the scene. It seems that Alex was picked up by Gates with his bus and Alex thought that the whole paramedic ride was "cool." Of course, this was a severe tongue lashing from Sam who didn't know whether she should be relieved or angry at her son.

Then, there was Dr. Chen who recently came back to the States after spending time with her dying father. Carter had taken a few days off from work to meet her at the airport. While on the other hand, Susan and Kerry were trying to settle of matter of interest regarding the hiring of another attending. Throughout it all, there were Ray and Neela.

By now, everybody knew that they were more than just roommates. Ray always managed to find Neela throughout their shifts whether she was in a trauma or working in of the exams rooms. At times, it was just a brief touch of hand or a tattletale wink. It was subtle at first, but when the others caught on, there was a period of not-so-subtle jokes about the 'dangers' of falling in love with your roommate.

Despite all of this, there were parts of Ray that didn't change over night. He still discharged patients faster than other resident. He still had a way of getting under Kerry's skin with his rocker t-shirts and gelled up hair. Neela herself was still just as dedicated and hardworking as before. She was still obsessive compulsive about getting her facts straight and maintaining professional decorum.

However, while the people at work didn't think much of their relationship, both Ray and Neela were apprehensive of speaking with their parents about it. Not that, they needed their permission to date each other, Neela knew with certainty that her family won't view her relationship with Ray favourably. Ray on the other hand, could not really think of a reason why his family and friends wouldn't like Neela. With his mom's birthday coming up, Ray had been trying to convince Neela to take a trip down to Beaufort with him.

"C'mon, it's not like you have any other plans."

"How would you know?"

"Do you have other plans made?"

"I don't see why I have to tell you if I have plans."

"So, you don't and besides, it's not like you have a reason not to visit North Carolina. It's beautiful this time of year."

"I can just as easily spend it here in Chicago."

"There's no reason why my mom won't like you. She's one of the most down-to-earth people I know."

"How would you explain to her about us?"

"I will just tell her that I fell in love with my roommate who also happens to be smart, sophisticated and stubborn and somebody that I work with at the hospital. I told her about you already."

She was silent.

"Neela, you have to be fair," he implored.

Neela knew that it was a losing battle from the start. She really didn't have a reason for not going down to Beaufort with Ray except for her own insecurities. It was a definite point in their relationship. However, she was also worried about taking over Jamie's place. She didn't want to be taken as a substitute to Landon's late wife. At the same time, she wondered if Cynthia Carter would like her.

"Alright, I'll go," she finally conceded.

-o-o-

Taking a week off from work was a bit of hassle because of staffing issue, but eventually, everybody conceded to a mutual compromise. Ray and Neela were going to flying down to Virginia and then Ray would rent a car to drive them down to Beaufort.

On route on the highway, with Neela resting her head against the window pane, Ray found himself smiling at the scene. There was such serenity and for the life of him, he just wished to suspend the moment in time. His thoughts drifted to an early conversation that he had with his mom about coming down.

**(Flashback)  
"Hey ma."**

"Landon? Honey, is that you? How's everything?"

"Everything is going really well."

"You know I was really scared to know that you were at plane crash scene. I'm really glad that you called me. I would have been worried."

"I think you would have been worried, even after I called."

"That is the right of a mother: to be worried about her child. So really, how is everything? You rarely call just randomly."

"Ma ..."

"Landon."

"Well, I'm coming down for a visit soon...but I'm bringing somebody with me."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah, I met somebody. Well actually I met her a long time ago, but we just recently started dating."

"Who is she?"

"She's my roommate."

(End flashback)

He had taken some ribbing for his confession, as was the right of being a mother. Sure, his mom had called the apartment a couple of times and she had asked about his roommate on a couple of occasions. Ray just didn't realize how much he had talked about Neela until his mother pointed out the fact.

**(Flashback)**

"It's always my roomie did this, or my roomie did that ... It's the same thing every time you call. Oh you know what my roomie said today... You know what Landon, I think I hear more about this roommate than I hear about you."

"How come you never mentioned it before?"

"Landon, I know you. You weren't ready, but eventually, you yourself would come around."

(End flashback)

Now that, he thought about it, he always thought of Neela as the 'roomie.' Yes, she was Neela, and at work, she was always Dr. Ragostra, but to be his 'roomie' has taken more of an endearing quality.

-o-o-

They had opted to stay in Ray's childhood home, though Neela had initially been apprehensive about doing so.

"I think my mom would skin me if she hears that we are staying at a motel or something. I promise that the house is clean and there is a spare guest room with an amazing view."

Neela recalled the first moment that she stepped through the apartment that she and Ray now rented. Now, standing at the back verandah of the Carter's home, she wondered about having a childhood in the backdrop of this quaint little port town against the shiny waters of the lake. The sight was almost surreal.

Inside the house, Landon and Cynthia Carter were having a scene of their own.

"Ma, what's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong, sweety."

"Ok, you really. What's the matter?"

"What would think that something is wrong?"

"You're putting salt into the salad, ma."

An uneasy silence settled in the kitchen. Cynthia stole what-she-assumed-to-be an inconspicuous glance outside to where Neela was standing, but Landon had caught it.

"It's Neela. You don't like her."

The silence lengthened. "I just didn't know what to expect, Landon," she said truthfully as she attempted to salvage the remains of her salad.

"Ma. Neela's intelligent and has a great personality. She doesn't drink, or smoke or have tattoos ... she's a doctor for goodness sakes!"

Cynthia Carter chewed on the side of her lip, her eyes did not leave the salad bowl that she was holding. However, Ray caught on as realization dawned on him. "She's Indian. You didn't expect her to be a different culture."

"I didn't know what to expect, honey. You never mentioned it on the phone."

"I didn't think it was an requirement for me to fall in love with her."

Dinner was a bit of tense. Neela was perceptive enough to note the tension in the air and it did not take a genius to figure out that she was somehow part of the reason. It would have been an awkward and sad affair if not for the fact that Eric and Dean also joined them that night. The guys reminisced over childhood scruples and Neela's eyes gleamed with excitement while Ray was mortified at the minute details that the both Eric and Dean had at their disposal.

The highlight of the night was when Cynthia Carter spoke of her son's childhood. "I remember one Mother's Day, you tried baking cookies. I think you went through three batches of burnt cookies before settling for a box of chocolates. I certainly hoped that living on your own has improved your cookie skills."

"I do cook sometimes," Ray defended indignantly.

"Ray, you burnt the last three sets of toast that you made for breakfast," Neela put in.

"There was another time when you tried cooking pasta and we ended up spending the entire night cleaning up spaghetti sauce and ordering pizza instead ... or that one time ..."

"Oh alright, I get the point, roomie. I'm already part time rocker, doctor ... cooking wasn't on my list of hobbies to learn."

"Neither does cleaning up after yourself, or paying the repair guy ..." Neela began to list.

The exchange went back and forth with Neela spilling stories about Ray's escapades at the apartment and at County. Eric and Dean savoured the juicy details to Ray's chagrin. Cynthia Carter saw everything at a different light.

After dinner, they moved the gathering outside. The guys went out to the docks to jump into the water like a bunch of hyenas. Neela did the sensible thing to opt out but she was joined by Landon's mom. Neela waited in baited anticipation, until the older woman broke the silence.

"I know that I haven't given you enough credit for you have done for my son."

Neela was stunned and the expression of her face spoke of her shock. "What do you mean?"

"I have never seen him so happy since Jamie's death. He is living again and I know that you have a huge part in that. Landon, Ray ... sometimes they are liked two different people. Landon, when he was seventeen, he was brash and naive. After Jamie, he left Beaufort with little hope for this world. Oh, he had his beliefs but he never let the real him enjoy life. When I look at my son now, Ray is more mature, but he hides his sadness. Seeing him tonight, just laughing about all the little things, it was liked seeing the two sides of him merging into one. I have you to thank, Neela."

Before Neela could mumble another word, Cynthia Carter had enveloped her arms around her. There were tears in both women's eyes when they broke apart. Neela managed to whisper, "You don't know this, but he saved me too." 

End of Chapter 14

* * *

AN: So, how was that? Leave a review to let me what you think. 


	16. 15 The Secrets of Jane Doe

Standard disclaimers applied. See Prologue for further details.

**Author's Note**: Ash asked me in her review as to the reaction of Ray's father... here is a short blurb about it below.

* * *

**Chapter 15: The Secrets of Jane Doe **

Whatever took place between Neela and Cynthia remained between the two women involved. Ray was just glad that his mom was opened to the idea of having Neela around. Although, he was rather indignant to find his mom pulling out embarrassing baby pictures for Neela to see the very next day as the two women shared a round of freshly brewed coffee.

The next couple of days Ray took Neela around Beaufort. It was all very nostalgic. She saw his old high school to the corner store that sold ice cream year around. There were places that he couldn't bring himself to take her yet: the cemetery and the part of the pier that Landon had took Jamie to on their first date. Neela did not begrudge him for doing so. "I will one of these days," he promised.

"I'll be waiting," as she offered her smile.

"Thanks for understanding," he whispered as he cupped her cheeks in thanks.

They almost didn't want to return to Chicago, but nevertheless, they had their jobs waiting for them when they returned to the Wind City.

On the plane, Ray had teased Neela for her early apprehensions about going down to Beaufort. "See, I told you everything would work out."

"It's easy for you to say, now that everything is over."

"True, everything still end up working out, so I was right."

Neela only answered with the slight rolling of her eyes.

"C'mon, don't I get a prize," Ray implored as he traced invisible circles on Neela's arm.

"Stop, that tickles," she chided pulling her arm away. "I think your gloating is enough of a reward."

"Neela ..."

"Ray ..."

"Neela ..."

"Ray ..." she said resolutely.

Ray seeing that Neela was unrelenting conceded that it was a battle lost.

"You give up too easily," Neela smirked as she settled further into her seat for the plane ride home.

However inside Neela was relieved of the fact that she had gained the approval of at least one of Ray's parents. Ray had been right when he said that his mom was very down-to-earth. There were times when she wished that she had such a close bond with her own family. As much as she loved and respected her parents, the close knitted relationship that Ray had with his mom was seemingly lacking in her own. She wondered what their reaction would be when she told them that she was dating Ray, no doubt their reactions would be very different that Cynthia Carter's. Her thoughts drifted to Worth Daniel Carter (1), Ray's father.

Ray had initially wanted to invite his father down to Beaufort with them, but Worth Carter was currently in Philadelphia for a medical symposium. However, Ray had reassured her that his dad was receptive to the relationship and was looking forward to visiting them in Chicago later on in the month.

"The only thing that he asked me was whether you knew how to cook," Ray had jokingly told her, "Why does everyone think I'm incompetent with the stove?"

"That's because you are incompetent with a stove. Trust me, Ray stick with your guitars and stay away from the spatula."

-o-o-

It was a cruel day when they returned to work after slacking off from work. Fuelled by the cup of caffeine in her hand, Neela trudged into the ER. She was greeted by a twenty-something year old trauma patient and the familiar face of Tony Gates.

"Hey Mayday, Twenty-something year old Caucasian female, found unconscious. Possible OD. BP 80/60. Pulse 50. Resp 10. Seizured once on route."

"Possible?"

"Likely. She was found with a bunch of empty syringes and no positive ID."

"Alright, trauma room 2 is opened."

On their way to the trauma room, Gates had the audacity to say, "Mayday, did you work yourself to the ground here?"

Neela only answered with a raise of her eyebrow. "Good to see you too, Gates."

-o-o-

Three suture kits later, Ray came out exam room shaking his head. The patient had been less than pleased to have a male doctor to do "embroidery" on her. Ray could only pray for a quick recovery when he returned to the admission desk.

Jerry was on the phone as Ray studied the board. "We have everything from projectile vomiting to unexplained rashes to frequent flyers. Take your pick," Jerry said when he hang up.

"Where's Neela?"

"Trauma room 2 with a newly admitted Jane Doe. Carter is in there too."

"What?"

"Some twenty-something year old got admitted on an OD. No positive ID. I was on the phones trying to see if anybody had reported a missing person."

"Alright, tell Neela that I would see her later," Ray replied as he grabbed a random chart.

"Which one did you get?" Jerry called back.

Ray spared a glance down on his chart to say, "Exam room 1 ... projectile vomiting."

-o-o-

Totally relieved of the fact that he had came out of the exam room relatively unscathed, Ray went to check on Neela. She was back to attending to her OD trauma patient. Ray intercepted Chuny who was returning with the toxicology reports and the results from the lab. "Let me grab those for ya, Chuny. I think Pratt needs some help over in Exam 4, something about frequent flyers."

Neela looked up from the monitors at the sound of Ray's entrance. She offered a smile at the same time as Ray glanced up from the reports in his hand. His face was indiscernible, but Neela quickly realized that something was wrong. Ray paid no attention as Neela took the papers in his hand. His attention was on the unconscious form of the woman lying on the bed.

"Ray? What's wrong?"

Not receiving an answer, Neela skimmed through the reports and let out a sigh at the findings. "Ray?" she attempted again to draw his attention.

He swallowed hard and managed to ask, "Still no ID on her."

Without waiting for an answer, he began searching with his eyes until he settled on the shallow part of her neck. Pulling down the gown slightly, there revealed a small tattoo of a skull. Snapping his head back at Neela, Ray said, "Tell Jerry to look up the name, Zoe ..."

Ray was chewing on his bottom lip when Neela returned with a positive ID on their former Jane Doe. A few rounds of phone calls later, Neela was itching for Ray's side of the story. He had been evasive and knowing the results of the lab test, her level of anxiety heightened. Stepping into exam room three, the room that Zoe had been transferred to after stabilizing her, Neela was apprehensive about how to start the conversation.

Ray was sitting at a nearby chair, but looked up to acknowledge her presence, "Neela."

"Ray. Talk to me, how did you know this girl?"

He sighed at her question. "Zoe had been one of the rare girlfriends that I had back in med school. I wouldn't even call it dating because we just hooked up one night with a couple of friends after one of my gigs. We hang out with my bandmates but any relationship that we may have had didn't last. She wasn't my type and I wasn't ready to commit. She wouldn't take no for answer and started hanging out at my dorm, at my gigs, around the campus. The one thing that was distinct about her was that skull tattoo that she had near the base of her neck.."

"So what happened?"

"One night, my bandmates and I went out for a couple of drinks. I was totally stressed and wasted after a couple of rounds. I was ready to take a cab home when Zoe just appeared out of nowhere and just started kissing me. I don't remember much after that, except that I woke up the next morning in my own bed with a killer hangover."

"Ray, how long ago was this?"

"Not long ..."

"But she's ..."

"I know. I read the reports."

"You remember nothing about that night?"

"I woke up naked in my apartment, Neela. I couldn't have known at the time."

Zoe was HIV positive.

End of Chapter 15

* * *

AN: I know I'm being mean. Short chapter and a cliffhanger... please give me your thoughts as to the progress of the story.

(1) In previous chapters, I had said that the name Landon / Ray's father was Daniel / Dan Carter. A slight modification is made her because some of the reviewers had kindly let me know that the original novel & movie indicated the actual name to beWorth Carter. I just combined both because I don't want to go back and change everything.


	17. 16 The Mere Presence of You

Standard disclaimers applied. See Prologue for further details.

**Author's Note**: The lyrics used are from the song 'Ever the Same,' by Rob Thomas which doesn't belong to me.

* * *

**Chapter 16: The Mere Presence of You **

_You may need me there  
To carry all your weight  
But you're no burden I assure  
You tide me over  
With a warmth I'll not forget  
But I can only give you love_

Rob Thomas - Ever the Same

Stunned silence filled the air, sucking any remaining life there was in the room. Neela felt her knees go weaker, as she reached out the settle herself on the bed. Over and over in her head, she played over the words, Ray, Zoe, HIV positive, Ray, Zoe, HIV positive.

Their relationship had not progressed to the point of them having sex. They had some heated kissing sessions in some pretty creative locations in their apartment. Looking back at her roommate now, she saw that Ray was staring off at some random point on the wall. The only thing that she could do at the moment, was to wrap her arms around him and whispered, "I don't care you're perfect. You're not getting rid of me that easily."

She felt him pulling her closer to his chest and for a brief moment, their troubles were forgotten.

-o-o-

It could be said that they were both ups and downs to any relationship. Ups were sources of joy and celebration, which provided the strength to weather through the storms that life presents.

Ray sometimes wondered how Jamie and the Reverend felt when they received the diagnosis of leukemia. Did they feel the shock, the utter disbelief, the anger? Did they go through the same mantra of what-ifs and maybes? Jamie once confessed to him that she and her father drifted apart at one point.

_**(Flashback)**_

"**It was a difficult time for the both of us. I guess we were both scared of losing the other, because mom died. It was probably one of the darkest times in our relationship. I questioned God. 'Why me?' All our lives, we have devoted ourselves to Him and His beliefs, so why did it have to be me... I was angry and I wanted to hate God and for a while I did."**

"**So, what happened?"**

"**I remember one time that I had to miss the state fair because I had to go into the doctors for one of my routine checkups. My blood counts were low again and it seemed that nothing that I was doing was right. I hated the fact that I had to miss doing the things that I loved like going to the state fair because of my leukemia. I was mad and from the spur of the moment, I just reached to grab one of my glass figurines and threw it against the wall. My father heard the crash and came running to my room to find me sitting on the floor crying with all the broke pieces of glass around me. We cried and we talked. From there, it was a trial to find ourselves and our faith in God."**

"**When you said that you did want a reason to be angry with God ..."**

"**You have no idea that before you, I had accepted the fact that I had leukemia. I didn't want the pity or the justification. I don't need a reason to be angry with God, but when you happened, I realize that there was something more to this world. God wouldn't give me this miracle and then take me away so soon."**

_**(End Flashback)**_

Jamie always said that suffering reaps compassion and for the longest time, he couldn't understand. Now faced with the prospects of HIV, he saw the value in the statement. The face of the world changes. He wondered if today is going to be the last morning that he was going to see the sunrise? Would tonight be the last time that he was going to fall asleep with Neela in his arms? Is this the end of his life as he know it?

He realized what courage it took Jamie for her to him about her leukemia. He had been angry at the time that she didn't trust him enough to tell him. Now having to face his parents and telling them the grim prospects, he realized that it wasn't a matter of trust. It was a means of sparing them from the pain.

Through it all, he was comforted by Neela steady presence. She hadn't been repulsed by the idea. "You wouldn't get rid of me that easily," she had told him. For that, he was eternally grateful.

-o-o-

She tried to remember everything that she had been taught about HIV and AIDS. _HIV is the primary cause of AIDS. Sexual contact is the leading causes of exposure to the virus (1)._

Ray and Zoe ... Zoe and Ray - one night and that's all it took. She and Ray had reached the point in their relationship where they had sex together. Sure, they shared the same bed and had some really heated kisses, but in a way, they were both apprehensive to progressing their relationship beyond that.

For three agonizing months, they waited for Ray's tests results to confirm whether or not he was indeed infected. _There is a period of time between the infection and the appearance of detectable antibodies. There are several diagnostic tests for HIV including ELISA which is then confirmed by the Western blot test. The actual viral RNA can be detected by emphasizing certain parts of the genome using the PCR._

There were times when they needed time apart to come into the terms with the whole situation. She worried about every cold and fever that Ray contracted in the three months. _There are different clinical manifestations of HIV infection. Symptoms can range from fever lasting for two weeks without infections, noncausal weight loss or noncausal diarrhea of more than 30 days. HIV primarily targets the CD4+ T cells in the body by binding and replicating within healthy cells._

Neela went with him to see his parents and held his hand while he told them the news. While they were in Beaufort, Ray took them to the graves of Jamie and Reverend Sullivan. He laid down fresh bouquets of flowers as Neela looked on. It was at that moment that she truly felt the connection with Jamie, what ambivalence the younger girl must have felt.

'Would I be as strong as that in the name of love?'

Looking at Ray now, she realized that she already was.

End of Chapter 16

* * *

AN: Short chapter and I'm being mean for keeping you guys in suspense about Ray. (dodges any potential projectiles from the readers) 

I apologize for all the technical jargons that I used in this chapter. I'm just trying to emphasize the fact that Neela is very worried about Ray and her way of coping is to find out all the facts. The information that I have on here are based on the following resources:

(1)  
Madigan, M. T., Martinko, J.M. & Parker, J. (2003). _Brock biology of microorganisms. (10th ed.)_. Prentice Hall: New Jersey.

(2)  
HIV - wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. (2006, April). Retrieved: April 11, 2006, from http/en. course, as with all medical information, it is always best to check with your doctor for more info.


	18. 17 Confirmation

Standard disclaimers applied. See Prologue for further details.

**Author's Note**: First of all, I would like to thank you all for your lovely reviews. It is so nice to open my email and see all your comments. I'm sorry to have kept you so long for this chapter. Last few weeks had been very trying and though, I do know which direction I want to take with this story, I didn't have inspiration to sit down and write. However, I would like to thank you for your continual support.

Also, I want to clarify something. It may not be clear from the previous two chapters whether or not Ray has HIV. It is implied that he has, but not confirmed. The results take a few months. However, it is consumed that Ray does have HIV because of his relationship with Zoe who is HIV positive. In the course of waiting for results, Ray and Neela went to Beaufort to tell his parents the news. Hope that clears its up and so anyways, the title of this next chapter is appropriately, 'Confirmation.' Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 17: Confirmation**

_Some People Wait A Lifetime_

_For a Moment Like This._

Kelly Clarkson

A single moment and that's all it took. He realized that from that moment, his life would be forever changed. The wait had been agonizing and emotionally trying. There were times when he thought to just give up in resignation before sighing in defeat. Then, he would think of all the things that he had accomplished and told himself to get his butt back at it and stop being an idiot. His girlfriend was constantly in his thoughts, and he knew without her saying so that the last months had taken its toll on her. For someone who was keen on finding the facts, and listing out solutions, she didn't want to rely on fate to determine her future.

A phone call came unexpectedly, just like the ten inches of snow that was dumped on Chicago in the middle of October. He had procrastinated and forgot to fill up his truck and he knew that he was going to get an 'I-told-you-so' from his roommate because she had been chiding him for the last couple of days. The power went out last night and so, he missed his alarm. He grumbled as he rolled out of bed and into the showers. His morning didn't get any better when the coffee ran out. Neela worked the midnight shift and he didn't have a chance to go to the Jumbomart for some late night shopping. His clothes were in a pile at the corner of his room and he rummaged for a pair of scrubs to put on because he was already late.

Then, just as he was going out the door, after searching ten minutes for his keys, the phone call came. The results were in ...

-o-o-

There was a general feeling of shock and disbelief at the scene. Snow covered the entire emergency bay. Just yesterday, she had kidded about the fact that she was sporting a tanktop with her scrubs. Trauma victims from various degrees of motor vehicle accidents flooded the ER. In many ways, that was to be expected, the snow really caught everyone off guard. When there was a finally down-time, she realized that her shift was nearly over. Ray who was starting the morning shift should be coming in soon.

Just as the thought of her roommate and boyfriend came into mind, the door to the lounge area banged open. She had been alone at the time, jumped at the sound. Ray stood there breathless. Neela would have laugh at the sight of him, with hair and clothes covered with snow, some of which were already melting as puddled around his shoes. His scrubs were wrinkled and had a ketchup stained on the top. She knew that he had forgotten to do his laundry. She didn't get pass the customary good morning, when she was crushed by Ray's lips on hers.

All thoughts left her as she was only conscious of him alone. His lips were desperate and his body language left nothing for the imagination. He pushed her forward until she was completely wedged between the lockers and Ray's body. His hands were busily massaging her back as she let out a soft moan.

He released her when they both needed air. Their breaths ragged, as Ray leaned his head on her forehead. "Neela," he murmured.

"Ray," she could hardly find her voice.

At that moment, she knew as if somebody had dumped a cold bucket of her in the middle of the sidewalk.

"Ray, is it?"

"Yes."

"And..."

"I couldn't tell from the way that I just kissed you, Neela?"

"Don't. It's not something to joke about."

"I know. I love you too much."

He whispered into her ear as he traced her jaw line with his kisses. Understanding dawned on her and, she returned his attention with equal fervour and passion. Ray's results came back negative. He didn't have HIV.

-o-o-

From that moment on, it seemed that a veil had been lifted. Ray's parents were ecstatic at the news, although, it took quite a bit of explanation until Cynthia Carter was convinced. There were few directly at the hospital that knew about Ray's condition, so there wasn't really a point to make an announcement about it.

However, County General had another reason to celebrate. It came out of the blue, but not entirely unbelievable, when Carter announced that he and Dr. Chen were getting married. They went to medical school together and became the best of friends. Nobody really knew the true extent of that friendship. Carter had a strain of relationships with those who worked at the hospital, though none of them last, the bond between him and Jing-Mei only strengthened.

Rumour had it that Carter proposed on the roof of the very hospital that they worked at. Not exactly the most romantic location, but the respected couples didn't say. Then again, some would say that it was pretty romantic about getting a marriage proposal at the place where you became friends and fell in love. Others who were slightly pessimistic had no complaints at the beautiful engagement ring - a platinum band encircling three heart shaped diamonds.

The wedding was up to speculation but it came just as sudden as their engagement. None of the guests knew that they were attending a wedding until the bride was announced. Everyone at County were invited along with a few family friends to the Carter mansion. There were explicit instructions to dress in formal attire and the guests were treated to an entire night of full night of exquisite catering, champagne and dancing. At the stroke of midnight, the guests were ushered into a main dining hall, decorated with all the roses from Chicago. The main decor were in the colours of red and gold. The bride herself was adorned in a sleeveless gown by Vera Wang, simple but elegant, with intricate beading that ran down the front of her dress.

It was with heartfelt congratulations that the crowd welcomed the new Mr. and Mrs. John Truman Carter III. There were plenty of teasing that Carter finally settled down and it was Jing-Mei who would give him that stability. All teasing were met with knowing glances from the couple involved.

Neela and Ray were also in attendance that night. They were both very happy for Carter and Jing-Mei. However, their thoughts took different directions as seeing the married couples' intertwined fingers and tentative smiles. Ray reminisced about his own wedding.

* * *

_It had been Jamie's wish to get married in the same church as her parents. Reverend Sullivan had presided over the ceremonies. Landon had been more than happy to have his father, Worth Carter to be his best man. All of Beaufort turned up to witness the union of Landon Rollins Carter to Jamie Elizabeth Sullivan. It had been an incredible prelude to an unforgettable summer._

_

* * *

_

While on the other hand, Neela thought about the prospects of marriage. What would her parents say? Her mother had more often than not hinted that she wanted her eldest daughter to marry and have kids. Her younger sister, Parama had married many years ago with two children already.

As she caught the Carters sharing a kiss to the cheers of all onlookers, she felt Ray taking her hand. She looked up to see him staring down at her intently and she felt a rush of emotion. She loved him and without a doubt, he loved her. Without another thought, she pulled his head down to seal his lips with a kiss.

End of Chapter 17

* * *

AN: I'm such a romantic! The beginning lines of this chapter are from Kelly Clarkson's song which doesn't belong to me.

I like to think that I'm creating my own little alternative reality for these characters, so for those of you who are interested in following Carter & Deb's post-marital days, check out my story, "By Correspondence." That story starts off about three years after their wedding Hint of Jinter, Luby, Carby. Once in a while, the stories may allude back to each other.

As always, r/r and let me know what you think.


	19. 18 With Certainty

Standard disclaimers applied. See Prologue for further details.

**Author's Note**: I'm sorry to keep you guys on such a long wait. My life has been very complicated (still is) and I don't have a lot of mental energy to write. I hope you guys will understand and million thanks to those who remain faithful to this story.

The opening lines are from the song, Walk Away, sang by Kelly Clarkson, which doesn't belong to me.

* * *

**Chapter 18: With Certainty**

_I wanna love  
I want a fire  
To feel the burn  
My desires_

_  
Are you gonna fight for me?  
Die for me?  
Live and breathe for me?  
Do you care for me?_

-Kelly Clarkson, Walk Away

With such a picture-perfect, almost fairy-tale like ending of the last chapter, it seemed almost natural that both Neela and Ray would follow suit with a marriage announcement of their own. In their own way, the roommates just clicked. However, a loving relationship does not always work seamlessly without detours.

Certainly, the idea of marriage for Ray was not that far-fetched. He was happy with his life and the people in it. He had a stable career, a place to live, a car and not to mention, an understanding girlfriend, roommate and colleague.

Lately, he found himself thinking about Jamie. Their engagement was short, their marriage even shorter. Sometimes, he regretted the time lost that prevented from knowing this remarkable person who changed his life. She was his miracle, the catalyst for him to make something of himself.

If Jamie was his miracle, then Neela would be his guiding light. Through a turbulent part of his life when he closed himself off to the world, she had managed to shed a gentle glow in the shadows. She was the reason for living again.

At the age of twenty-eight, ten years after his first marriage, Ray was ready to start another part of his journey again.

-o-o-

Neela was surprised to see Ray waiting for her at the appointed time of seven o' clock. Actually, it wasn't the physical act of him being there, rather, it was more his actual attire. A white dress shirt matched his gray pants and outer jacket. He had left specific instructions for her to dress formal. Neela was glad that she had gone dress shopping the other day with Sam. She had a mind for style and fashion and the girls had made a smart choice with a classic navy blue dress that shimmered purple in the light. V-shaped neckline that may look scandalous but in reality, complemented Neela's curves - one that she didn't existed on her.

Ray had reservations at a restaurant that Neela had once mentioned that she wanted to try. Over dinner, they talked over mundane subjects, laughed over redundant jokes that never failed to make them smile and shared a plate of delicate dessert. She could sense his apprehension by the way that Ray kept wringing his napkin and taking mores sips of water than the actual food itself. She assumed that he wasn't comfortable with dressing up.

So, after dinner, she suggested that they abandoned their formal wear for something more comfortable. He was surprised by her comment, "You mean, you aren't yourself?"

"No, don't get me wrong. I appreciate you the thought but you just don't look very comfortable."

"I don't mind looking uncomfortable, if it makes you happy."

She was touched as she hooked her arms through his and rested her head upon his shoulder. They walked thus as they allowed their feet to carry them on an undetermined direction. Soon, they found themselves nearing their own apartment building and they boh smiled at their destination. Ray held her in front of him as he gazed down at her upturn face. His countenance became serious as he leaned downwards for a kiss.

Beneath the gentle glow of the streetlight, he whispered, "Marry me, Neela. Make the happiest man tonight."

Neela sighed into his kiss but was surprised at his question. Her knees felt weak as she stared dumbfounded at the man in front of her, holding an engagement ring. She stuttered for an answer and she did the unthinkable. She ran without looking back. For the second time in his life, Ray found himself heart broken as he watched the back of the woman that he loved disappeared from his sight.

End of Chapter 18

* * *

AN: I was feeling sad, hence, the mood of the chapter. Sorry about that ... be sure to r/r.


	20. 19 Neela's Battles

Standard disclaimers applied. See Prologue for further details.

**Author's Note**: I know that the last chapter wasn't what people were looking for. I hope that this one will generate a better response.

* * *

**Chapter 19: Neela's Battles**

She could never truly explain why she just ran away, but all she saw were her own tears. There was a conundrum of emotions, as her feet pounded against the concrete pavement of a Chicago sidewalk. She had thought about marriage numerous of times before this, but it always met by a mixture of bittersweet hopefulness and regret. Once upon a time, she could have been Mrs. Michael Gallant. For the longest time, she blamed her rejection as the cause of his death, but now, she could convince herself that Michael died serving his country.

She knew that her salvation came in the form of Ray Landon Barnett. He may have been Landon Rollins Carter at one point of his life, but to her, there were no pretensions, no gimmicks. He was just simply Ray, the roomie. On certain levels, their friendship became more complicated when they decided to have an official relationship. Though she herself got along with Ray's side of the family, it would take a much greater effort to convince hers.

As the firstborn child, she shouldered the pressures to become the best in everything - in academics, in her profession, in her choice of husband. It didn't help to have a young sibling who was always perfect. Parama was an accomplished dancer, who married early to a wealthy Indian businessman and was now a mother of two children, the oldest being a son.

For the most part, Neela avoided all talk of her marrying soon and then having children of her own. She believed in her own heart and followed it to the United States when she accepted the position at County General Hospital.

With Ray, she took a gamble. She never really told her family about him because she already know all the arguments that would undoubtedly follow. 'He is white, he can't be trusted. He comes have a different culture, different religion. He probably doesn't eat the same foods as you - what does he know about the Indian way of life?'

Those had been her fears as well, because he was everything that she was not. Yet, he had somehow managed to show her that they were compatible despite the differences, but that didn't mean that her fears were resolved.

-o-o-

He had a strange sense of deja vu as he stood on the deserted pavement outside the apartment. Once upon a time, Jamie Sullivan ran away from him after dropping the bombshell that she was dying of leukemia. At eighteen, he only stared at her retreating back. In retrospect, he kicked himself for not chasing after her that night, even though, he later managed to send her a banquet telling her that he was going to leave her.

His legs went into motion, following the echoing footfalls of the woman in front of him. Somehow, he had to get her to understand that he was for real and that he wasn't going anywhere. She stopped as she reached the El train station. Gasping for breath, she gave him time to catch up with her.

-o-o-

They stood back to front. Neela was facing the passing El train while Ray was standing directly behind her. More than ever, they were aware of each other's physical presence. Neela wanted to run but she knew that the moment that she took off again, she would take with her another piece of Ray's heart. In truth, she didn't have anywhere else to go.

"Don't go."

"Why do you love me, Ray?"

"You're important to me, Neela." Words that had been spoken many times before now brought fresh tears to her eyes.

"Why do you still love me after I ran away?"

"Neela, look at me." He took a tentative hold of her arms and swung her around until they were face to face. Lifting up her chin, he brushed away her tears with his thumb.

"I love you because you are Neela. I love you because we can be happy together and no matter how many times, we get mad at each other, we always find our way back."

"My parent won't accept us and my sister ..."

"The last thing that I want is for you to be separated from your family. You won't be happy that way. I'm willing to wait. I won't leave just because the going gets tough."

"So, you'll stay."

"Don't ever doubt that."

Like so many times before, she buried herself in the warmth of his embrace. Shamelessly, she soaked the front of his shirt with her tears, but he would never complain. His only response was drawing her closer.

Later that night, they made their way back to their apartment and fell asleep exhausted in this manner, with Ray's arms encircling her waist and her face upon his chest.

-o-o-

A few weeks later, they made plans to meet the Ragostras. Despite Neela's best efforts to prepare Ray for the encounter, it had been a disastrous start. Both Neela's parents were completely offended by the fact that Ray was not Indian. In rapid Punjabl, they expressed their firm insistence that their daughter rethink her decision.

"What is the meaning of this, Neela?"

"Ray is a doctor over at County and we have been seeing each other for some time."

"I don't care, Neela. I have raised you better than this and now, you have disgraced us."

"How could I have disgraced you when I choose to be happy?"

"How can you expect to know what real happiness is? You are young and naive, but you choose to live a fantasy and build your dreams in place that is far away from your home and your family."

"I love being a doctor. I like the fact that when I step into that ER, I feel wanted and appreciated. I know that when I am doing is going to make somebody else's life better. Ray is there for the good days and the bad and even the days when I feel the most defeated..."

"You choose this life, Neela. Don't expect either your mother and myself to accept this choice."

"You are my parents and I wish that you will take the time to know Ray. I may be young, but I am not being naive. You are right that it is me who chooses this life. I choose to be with him because he makes me smile..."

Ray had been right when he said that she wouldn't be happy without her parent's blessing. It was one of the hardest thing for her to do - the choice between Ray and parents. She yearned for at least their acknowledgement, even though, she knew that it would be hard-press to get their blessing. She cried into Ray's arms who could only murmur sweet things into her ear.

They were in the apartment, so they won't expect any company. It was with a surprise that a knock revealed Parama.

Before she could even take a step into the apartment, Neela retorted, "Did you come here to gloat, Parama? You always know ..."

"No, I came to congratulate you."

The very words stopped Neela in her tracks. Parama took the momentary silence to plunge on. "You heard me. I came here to congratulate you because you had the guts to do something that I didn't have the nerve to do. Within reason, you followed your heart. You made your own decisions because you felt that it was the right thing for you to do, not because our parents told you so."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"My husband and I are divorced. The papers just came through and finalized yesterday. I found him cheating on me with another woman because she was younger and prettier. Then it made me look at my life and found out what I was missing. I love the kids but I miss having to do something for myself. For you, it had always been medicine and for me, it was dancing. I want to go back to that again, because I couldn't before."

The sisters found their way into each other's arms and without another word, they both knew that Parama had at least given her blessing to whatever relationship that Neela had with Ray. The three spent the next couple hours getting to know each other and for the Ragostras to reconcile their past.

When it was time for Parama to go, Neela offered her sister a place to stay at the apartment. However, she shyly admitted that she was already sharing an apartment with someone. Upon further prompting, the young Ragostra dropped the surprising news that she was in fact living with Tony Gates!

End of Chapter 19

* * *

AN: lmao. I betcha you didn't see that one coming. Believe me, I am just as surprised as you are but hey, that's what the AU is for ;).

Remember, Gates' comment about being 'afraid of married women' and why he was so friendly with Neela all the time ... interesting, isn't it? However, I leave for you as the reader to infer your own conclusions. Anyways, r/r, I love to hear what you guys thought about this little twist.


	21. 20 Divine Happiness

Standard disclaimers applied. See Prologue for further details.

**Author's Note**: You guys certainly know how to show your enthusiasm. Thank you so much for all your lovely reviews. I'm glad to see that everyone responded (!) to the latest twist of "In This Life."

I'm so sorry that it took so long for this chapter to come out. I had a bit of a writer's block and my muse had been on overload due to other issues that are currently going on in my life right now. Then, when I actually finished the chapter, the website won't let me upload. Anyways, here is an explanation as to how everything from the last chapter came about.

* * *

**Chapter 20: Divine Happiness**

Two sisters sat opposite each other in a quiet booth. They were both drinking their respective cups of green tea and on first impression, it would seem that two women were twins. However, upon closer inspection, one could easily discern a frown on one of the women's faces. If one ventured close to hear their conservation, it would be like this.

"It's not that hard to imagine, Neela."

"You have to be kidding me, right? You and Gates. It's like ..."

"You and Ray. There's no difference."

"Me and Ray? Parama! We're nothing like you and Gates."

Parama rolled her eyes at her sister's tirade. "I don't see what the problem is. It's not like we are sleeping together. We are just sharing an apartment, until things settled down. Besides, Antony likes the kids."

Neela nearly choked at Parama's reference to Gates, whose full name happened to be Antony Bradley Gates (1). "So, how did you guys meet again?"

Parama smiled as it was one of her favourite stories to tell.

_**(Flashback)**_

She was shopping for groceries with her two kids in tow. Her oldest son, Mandeep was in one of the those moods where he simply wanted to pick up and cuddle. However, Parama's attention was divided to her youngest child, a newborn, barely a year old. He was hungry and wanted a feeding. In the midst was her shopping cart, baby bag, and her purse. Her husband had just left for a business trip the night before without much of a goodbye. All the while, she just wanted a coffee.

Then the expected happen, the baby began to cry, Mandeep screamed, and everybody turned at the commotion. Gates who just happened in the next aisle came out of nowhere and within five minutes, had Mandeep bunching on a candy bar and chatting about the latest action figure. The groceries all bagged and paid for. The baby was fed. The next thing anybody knew, Gates was handing her a cup of coffee. "Free of charge," he promised with a grin.

He then winked and confessed to her that his partner had a secret affair with the lady who served coffee.

"Your partner?"

Her tone caused Gates to modify his statement. "My partner from work. We are paramedics."

He walked her back to the car. On impulse, Mandeep hugged Gates' and thanked him for the candy. With a wave, he saw them off and she realized that they didn't even know each other's names.

She didn't think that she was going to see him again, so it was a surprise that they met up at a formal gala. She was with her husband this time, but soon, she was left alone as he chatted with business associates. She was twirling a champagne flute in one hand when she was face to face with a familiar grin and a teasing eyes. "Fancy seeing you here, milady."

He was being presumptuous and they both knew it. Somehow, she wasn't offended, instead she found it rather flattering because it was something that her husband would never say to her.

"Fancy seeing you here, stranger whose name I don't know."

"Antony Bradley Gates at your service," he extended his hand.

Her left hand met his and he paused momentarily at seeing her wedding ring. Yet, he didn't miss a beat when he said, "A beautiful woman like you would be married."

Boisterous laughter interrupted whatever Gates wanted to say next. The source was a group of business associates who had a few too many drinks, Parama's husband included. She scoffed and Gates raised an eyebrow. "My husband and his so-call business contracts. What is a guy like you doing at a meeting like this, Antony?"

"What do you mean by a guy like me?"

"A paramedic."

"Actually, I'm here as an escort for my step-sister whose job is to draw up business contracts for other people to sign. Plus, I like the free caviar and champagne." With that, he toasted her with a mock salute.

Before the night was over, she had danced twice with a certain brown eyed paramedic and Gates finally found out her name. Not only that, Parama's husband announced to her that he was leaving for San Francisco for another conference. By the month end, she found out that her husband had been cheating on her and the two filed for a divorce. There was custody battle and in her most stressful moment, providence brought Antony Bradley Gates to her feet. He was answering a call when an elderly gentleman had a heart attack at the court house. On three different occasions, they had met. It was said that a cup of free java later, the rest was history. She accepted his invite to stay at his apartment and stayed ever since.

_**(End Flashback)**_

"It's incredible," Neela commented as Parama finished with her account.

"Sometimes, I can hardly believe it myself. Antony is so different than any guy that I can imagine. He has this aura around him that makes you want to hate him but at the same time, it is probably his most endearing quality. He plays at gallantry which most of the time, drives you insane, but that's Antony for you."

"You call him, Antony."

"Yes, I know you and just everybody else calls him, Gates. I'm not a medic or a doctor, Neela. To me, I met him as Antony Bradley Gates and he will always be Antony to me."

"Do you love him?"

"Now, that's loaded question, although I was wondering when you will ask that."

"Do you?"

"Do you love Ray?"

"Of course, but ..."

"How long did it take you to figure that one out?"

Her question was met by silence but Parama knew her sister well to expect that response. "We are not so different. I don't know if I love Antony. I know that he is different, but I doubt that I'm ready for another relationship with the kids and all. Besides, I want to start a new job, reestablish myself in something meaningful. It just helps to have somebody there at the end of the day to cheer you on."

"I know that we had our difference, but I'll be there for you."

"I never doubted that, big sister."

"Besides, I want you to be happy."

"I will be and I wish the same to you."

"I'm really happy with Ray."

Parama bounced at this opening and asked, "And, does he know that?"

"Parama! Of course, Ray knows that ..."

"Then, you should just marry the guy already. No more standing around, doing some invisible dance because you two deserve to be happy."

"It's not that simple." Neela sighed as she turned her face towards away from her sister.

"Nothing is ever simple but didn't you tell me once before nobody can live this life for you, except yourself."

At this, Neela could not help but concede to the point, it was time to face the truth. "Why do you always have to be perfect, Parama?"

-o-o-

Ray came home to a darkened apartment. He had pulled an overtime and was just ready to crash. Suddenly, Neela came out from the kitchen with a birthday cake. He stared in wonderment at the lit candles which adorned the top. "It's not my birthday, Neela."

"I know, but humour me blow them out anyways."

As he closed his eyes, he heard her whisper, "Did you make a wish, Ray?"

"Was I supposed to?" He asked when he reopened his eyes. She smiled as she beckoned him to the kitchen. As she deposited the cake onto the table, she answered belatedly, "If you didn't make a wish, then I guess I just have to make one for us."

Reaching for his chain from around his neck, she saw that it now held two rings instead of the former one. She felt her roommate draw in a sharp intake of breath as she traced the newest addition. "I wish to be your wife, Ray Landon Barnett. Would you grant me that wish?"

He swallowed hard as he enclosed her trembling hand with his. "Are you ready?"

As she slipped her left fourth finger into the metal band, they both knew that their wishes would be granted tonight.

End of Chapter 20

* * *

AN: So yes, our Reela couple are finally engaged after 19 chapters. So exciting, isn't it? Are you guys still interested in this story? Please r/r.

(1) Antony Bradley Gates - something that I made up. I have no idea what Gates' full name is supposed to be.


	22. 21 Leaving My Former Self

Standard disclaimers applied. See Prologue for further details.

**Author's Note**: Thank you everyone for their continual support for this fic. There were some comments as to whether or not chapter 20 was the end. It's safe to say that there is more to this story. Everyone who reviewed said that they were still interested, so here is another one.

* * *

**Chapter 21: Leaving My Former Self**

_Show me what it's like  
To be the last one standing  
And teach me wrong from right  
And I'll show you what I can be  
And say it for me  
Say it to me  
And I'll leave this life behind me  
Say it if it's worth savin me  
Hurry I'm falling_

-Nickelback, Saving Me

He felt that he was walking on cloud nine and he couldn't help the goofy grin that was a permanent fixture on his face. He had told Neela that he was going to wait and so, when he was rejected the first time he proposed, he had slipped the engagement ring on his chain. It shall remained close to his heart because there was no other woman that he would offer it to. Yet, when she came to him willingly, Ray Barnett could not stop smiling. His present disposition was not lost to those in the ER. Pratt was the first to comment.

"Somebody had a good night, last night, right Barnett?"

"Couldn't be better, Pratt," the younger resident answered as his grin grew bigger. Pratt rolled his eyes and muttered something about 'sleeping with your roommates.'

Ray didn't even mind when Morris asked him for a consult for the fifth time in the span of ten minutes. However, Kerry was slightly peeved at him, when she snapped at him, "Barnett, I need for you to focus and not drawing up plans for your wedding nuptials!"

It stunned him that Weaver had the immense ability to render somebody completely speechless. He caught the knowing gleam of Carter who had his share of experiences at being on the receiving end of Weaver's talkdown. Not only that, he was probably one of the few people who to sympathesize with being engaged to a fellow co-worker.

For the first time since being engaged, Ray truly thought about marriage with Neela. He, of course had the traditional bride-in-the-white-dress and church-type of wedding. The union with Jamie had simply been perfect, with his late father-in-law performing the ceremony. Now, he wondered if Neela had ideas for her ideal wedding. His thoughts were echoed by his mother, Cynthia Carter who had been thrilled to hear of the engagement. However, her initial fears about Neela's ethnicity surfaced at their most recent phone conversation.

"Hey, ma."

"Landon, what a surprise! How's everything?"

"Ma, I have really good news. Neela and I are engaged.!"

A momentary silence ensued, as Cythnia Carter found herself caught up in tears. She had never thought that to see her only son married again after so many years of pining over the loss of Jamie Sullivan. Yet, after meeting Neela Ragostra, she knew that the Indian doctor was what her son needed to heal.

"I'm very proud of you, Landon. I know that I have said it so many times before but I am very proud to be your mother. Neela will be good for you."

"I know, ma. Meeting her has been one of the best things that has happened to me."

"Landon, how does Neela feel about all of this?"

"What do you mean?"

"Landon. How does she feel about getting married?"

With that, she began to list out all the things that usually comprised of a normal wedding: the dress, the reception, the guest, the decor, right down to the flowers. Ray found his head swimming in confusion but he realized that his mother was trying to make a point. "Then again, you should find out what she wants. This is her day too and perhaps, she has other traditions that she wants to follow," his mother had wisely concluded.

After the conversation with his mom, had brought his confidence down a notch. He had been so caught up in his own felicity that he had not stopped to think about Neela's feelings. The fact that she had accepted him gave him a hopeful sign, but upon further observation, he realized that she had been pensive as well. Unsure as to how to approach the topic himself, he decided that the best course of action was an indirect one. Schooling his courage, he approached his future sister-in-law.

Parama herself, had been half expecting Ray's meeting, after witnessing Neela's trepidations. Her older sister had went through a myriad of insecurities before accepting Ray's proposal. Now Parama had Ray before her and Parama took pity on her soon to be brother-in-law. "Ray, I know this is a new experience for you."

"Well..."

"I am assuming that this is the first time that you are marrying an Indian roommate," she teased.

Her tone eased his discomfort as they fell into conversation. Parama who previously had a traditional Indian wedding, told Ray some of essentials and elaborately spoke of what was required for the bride and groom. Ray was grateful for this but he was reassured that Parama was going to stand by her sister no matter what they decide to do for their wedding.

After meeting with Parama, Ray decided to approach Neela. It hadn't been easy for either of them to speak of their own fears about the marriage. Ray was quick to say that his side of the feeling had nothing but love for her. They would be with any arrangement for their wedding. Neela herself, deeply wanted her parents' approvals of their match. Their resignation had hurt her deeply because she truly respected and loved her parents. The only consolation was the joy expressed for hers and Ray's mutual friends, as well as Parama's relentless support.

Ultimately, they decided on a traditional Indian style wedding, while the reception was more laid back surrounded by their mutual friends and families. Neela had chosen the attire that was befitting of an Indian bride. The weddings took several months in planning but the outcome was what one imagined it to be.

Ray Landon Barnett, without reservations pledged himself to be loving and faithful husband to Neela Ragostra. Those who knew the former Landon Rollins Carter had seen the completion of a transformation. Landon would always be faithful to the memory of Jamie Elizabeth Carter nee Sullivan. She had been his first love, the one saw the potential of the man that Landon was to become. She had unwavering faith in the world around her and Landon learned to see life through her eyes. Her death brought an impenetrable shadow upon his life.

Yet, Neela had somehow seem to break a series of walls that Ray had carefully erected around himself. The eyes of the bride herself, was full of tears but they were not a sign of regret, but that of utter happiness. She had faced guilt and sadness, while surrounding herself with work. Ray had unknowingly showed her that it was to let go and not be so serious all the time. She, in turn had shown in that there was still goodness to be had and shared.

Staring up in his youthful brown eyes, she saw him not as the doctor / jock persona that he was famous for around the County. Instead, she saw her husband - a man with whom she was going to spend the rest of her life with. An inescapable sigh left her lips which was soon sealed with Ray's.

Their kiss was witnessed and congratulated by those closest to them. What made their wedding even more memorable was the arrival of the Ragostras. Both Neela and Ray was surprised and grateful for their presence at what was one of the most important days of their lives. They didn't know that Parama played a major hand in this arrangement, but the sisters did share a look. No words were needed and it was something that would always remained left unsaid.

However, nobody could ever doubt the love between Ray and Neela that day, as husband and wife shared another kiss with the promise of many more to come.

End of Chapter 21

* * *

AN: The lyrics used in the beginning of the chapter, don't belong to me.

sigh I know some of you readers may feel deprived of a proper wedding scene. I don't want to insult a culture that I am not familiar about. That's why I took a different tack and resolved the chapter by exploring some of the feelings of the characters involved. I feel that a wedding is the joining of two people and I hope to depict that in this chapter.

In case, you are wondering if this is truly the end. Again, I leave that to you, the readers. Have I finally saturated you guys with this Reela which means I will end with some sort of an epilogue OR you guys want to me to continue about some of Ray and Neela's post-marital days? This is where your reviews are most welcome. I look forward to them.


	23. 22 Arguments and Resolutions

Standard disclaimers applied. See Prologue for further details.

**Author's Note**: It's official. I will be continuing with this story. Like many of you, I have become attached to this fic and would hate to see it coming to an end. I am ever so grateful of your support because believe me, if I thought that nobody was going to read this story, I would have ended it a long time ago.

* * *

**Chapter 22: Arguments and Resolutions**

Mr. And Mrs. Ray Barnett travelled down to North Carolina for part of their honeymoon, before travelling further down south to Louisiana, a place that Neela had never been to before. They cuddled and kissed, just relishing in the presence of the other. Hands adjoined, they spent over two blissful away from County before returning back to work. Their living arrangements didn't change too much, before their apartment held too many sweet sentiments for them to let go.

For three months, they lived thus and saw some gradual changes in the process. Parama and Gates had moved into a bigger condo in the city, so that there were rooms for Parama's children to stay with them as well. They had no definite plans, relationship-wise and none of the parties involved were too worried about it. However, along the same vein, Parama had decided to pursue her dancing interest once more and with the prompting of those closest to her, opened a new studio in the city. She was going to be teaching belly-dancing which was rising in popularity as many pregnant women found the dance moves to be therapeutic in preparation for labour. When Ray heard of it, he winked at his wife and teased, "How come you don't dance?"

"I never said I couldn't belly-dance. Parama is the one who perfected all the moves to be a professional. I am second rate at best."

"I wouldn't mind a private showing sometime, Mrs. Barnett."

"Maybe in your wet dreams, Mr. Barnett," she retorted, although, her eyes betrayed something different. (1)

Like any newlywed, there was a sense of naivety that everything was going to picture perfect. Yet most married couples would readily agree that arguments were an inevitable part of post-marital bliss. Ray and Neela had their fair share of quarrels before, but their first as a married couple, had stemmed from an innocent comment.

They had been working double shift in the ER. It had been one of those days where tempers were short and the number of staff was even less. It was close to 100 degrees outside, which would have been ok, if not for the fact that there was reconstruction in the ER. The sounds of constant drilling and chiselling were compounded by the fact that part of the air conditioning system had been shut down in lieu of the renovations.

Somebody had accidentally implied that Neela may have been pregnant. One of the nurses got a hold of it and began to state it as a fact. Of course, at the time the two couples involved had not heard a single word. Ray actually got it as a third-hand source of information and had been hurt that he had been the last person informed about this joyous news. So, when he saw Neela coming out of the trauma, he confronted her. "Neela, I need to talk to you."

"Ray, this isn't the time for one of your foolish games. I have a stack full of patients to see too."

He was annoyed that she was so willingly shrugged him off. "No, right now. It's important."

They entered the staff lounge without fanfare and found themselves to be alone. "What is this about, Ray?"

"Oh, I think you know."

"No, I don't think, if I did I wouldn't be asking."

"I would think that it will be pretty obvious."

"I am many things but I am not a mind reader. You have to make it a little more specific for me."

Exasperated, he said, "I thought that as your husband, I would be the first to know. Instead, I found out that my wife is pregnant by the busybodies of County General Hospital. Don't you think I deserve a little bit more respect than that?"

"What?" She was baffled and uncertain if she heard him right. "I'm not pregnant."

His mouth hang opened, "What did you say?"

"I'm not pregnant."

"But ..."

"But nothing. If there is one thing that I am sure about is that, I'm not pregnant. I'm not ready. I love what I'm doing - being a doctor. I want to travel to the West Coast and go visit Europe. I want to join Doctors Without Borders and there is so much to do beforehand. Maybe a couple of years from now, I might try for a baby."

When she finally paused for breath, she realized that Ray had not spoken a word. In fact, he had gotten paler. He opened his mouth once but no sound came out before he tried again to find his voice.

When Neela said that she wasn't pregnant, he had felt a wave of disappointment. He couldn't really explain. He had thought about having children of his own. Certainly at the age of eighteen and nineteen, the concept of it had been relatively foreign to him. Still, he always thought of it as a natural transition between becoming a husband and then a father. He saw from his own experiences, about being raised as an only child by a single mother. Though he reconciled with his father, Worth Carter later on, he knew the impact that the presence and absence of a father had on a child's life.

Neela's candid remarks had surprised him. He knew that she was great with kids, especially from the way that she interacted with her nephew and niece - Parama's children from her first marriage. In the ER, the kids were usually entertained by Neela's slightly detectable accent. He had naturally thought that she wanted children just as quickly as he had.

The only word that he could come up with was "Oh."

As an afterthought, he added, "So, you are not pregnant."

Not unable to come up with something intelligent to say, he began to walk away. However, Neela quickly grabbed his arm and stopped him in his tracks, "You mean... you thought."

As realization dawned on her, she said, "I had no idea."

"It's ok. Those are wonderful dreams, Neela," he said quietly.

Even though the ER staff lounge was hardly the ideal place for them to have an intimate conversation, she had to let him know that she wanted children as well. "Yes, but I would like to be a mother too. Every time, I see Parama with her babies, it knew that as much as I enjoyed being your wife, I would be just honoured to be the mother of our children. It's just that with work and everything, I want at least one part of my life settle first before devoting my time to having children."

Hearing her affirmation that she wanted children as well had taken a considerable weight from his shoulders. He was serious when he said that she had wonderful dreams. How could he fault someone for having an official list of all the stuff that they wanted to do?

"Being your husband is a long-time commitment and I'm willing to wait."

"It won't be too long of a wait, Ray Landon Barnett, because I have made being your wife a long-time commitment as well."

End of Chapter 22

* * *

AN: Please r/r and let me know your thoughts.

(1) Some of you may be interested to know that I did write a story where Neela belly-danced for Ray, called "Sensual." No direct link to this fic, because "Sensual" was written earlier, but still an enjoyable read. You can find that one under my profile ;)


	24. 23 The Nature of Things

Standard disclaimers applied. See Prologue for further details.

**Author's Note**: I'm glad you guys like the conversation in the last chapter. There are more of those in this one - not an argument really, but you'll understand when you read it next.

* * *

**Chapter 23: The Nature of Things**

As it were Neela and Ray continued their lives together in the same apartment that they first met, in the same hospital that they both worked at. During the year after their marriage, Ray had taken Neela to the West Coast as it had been one of her wishes on her unwritten list of things to do. She in turn, had belly danced for him many times, in fact, in the privacy that was warranted between married couples.

Ray had continued with his band, though, a breakup was inevitable. Marriage and work had offered little time left for the demands of performing, song-writing and dealing with groupies. Music was a passion and a love but his perspective on life and its general workings had evolved. A farewell party that was fitting for an aspiring band had been organized.

The bandmates and their respective girlfriends and fans were all invited to hang out at the bar. Ray and Neela were of course, in attendance along with various stafff from County who had the night off. Abby and Sam were mingling. Susan stopped by once, but she had to work the midnight shift. Morris tried to flirt.

It was a night of fond remembrances. The band played some of their best hits to the cheering of the crowd. Bret was the biggest tease as he retold some of the band's worst escapades. For Neela's benefit, he even told her some of Ray's less-than-stellar moments. He was nonchalant at the glare that the said member gave him, as he recounted an incident involving Ray and a lot of plastic wrap and aluminum foil.

And then, what is a party without drinking contests? Sam by far, proved that she could drink as much as the boys, shot after shot disappeared to the counting of the crowd. By that time, most was pretty much on their way to a massive hangover the next day. It was then, Bret proposed a race between Neela and Ray. Neela, had been quite content to sit at the bar which provided her with an uninterrupted view of everyone. Abby had joined her with a cocktail in her hand, at some point in the night. The nurse-turned-doctor had noticed that her colleague had not touched a single drink since her arrival. Neela's only explanation was, "I'm designated driver for these hooligans. Can you imagine Ray and Bret passed out drunk in the backseat? I'm tempted to stuff one of them in the trunk."

Her protest renewed at Bret's outrageous suggestion. "No, I'm not going to drink myself to oblivion. Designated driver, remember?"

"Ah, c'mon, doc. Lighten uuuuppppp."

Ray was slightly amused at his wife's discomfort. "Afraid to lose, Neela?"

"I'm tempted to throw you in the trunk, Ray," she glared back at him.

"C'mon doc... it's only a couple of drink. It's not like you're pregnant or anything."

The visible stiffening in her stature, the squaring of her shoulders and the fact that she had lowered her eyes, gave everybody who had been watching the scene a reason to pause. She avoided looking up, because she knew what she was going to see.

"Neela, look at me," urged Ray.

It was with reluctance that she raised her head. "I wasn't sure. I wanted to tell you in private, because you know ... then I got scared because I said I wasn't ready ... now, I don't want you to be disappointed."

She was rambling now, to an audience of half-dazed and half-crazed people. However, the only who truly mattered had firmly enveloped her in his arms and covered her lips with his. "So, you're pregnant," he whispered in between fervent kisses across her lips, her jawline and her cheeks.

"I'm booking an appointment to see an OB/GYN for next week."

Needless to say, Neela won't be drinking at all, but that didn't stop everybody else to drink in honour Mr and Mrs. Barnett's future offspring.

-o-o-

With the news, both Ray and Neela set off to find a new condo. Their apartment was too small to raise a growing family. They wanted somewhere close to work, but also, afforded them reasonable proximity to Parama and Gates - who at this point were still living together.

Cynthia Carter had been ecstatic at the news of her first grandchild, while Worth Carter though he was a cardiologist, was recommending the top OB/GYN from left and right. News spread quickly, the well wishes came in droves.

Yet, in the serenity of each other's embrace, Ray and Neela devoted some hours each day to daydreaming about baby names and nurseries. Maybe, they were breeding a hopeful musician or an aspiring doctor. Would she have her mother's dark alluring eyes or her father's teasing smile? Maybe, he would have his mother's compassionate nature or his father's charisma.

Ray was struggling with the ideas of being protective father-to-be and a supportive husband. Neela was always and still an independent women. The first trimester was taking its toll and she was feeling the effects of morning sickness that occurred in sporadic times in the day. She was scheduled to do a presentation for a group of surgeons and doctors. The attendance of the Chief of Surgery from all the hospitals, along with various administrators were playing a havoc on her nerves. Dr. Carter and Dr. Weaver were also putting on presentations as well that day, but hormones were having a decided effect on Neela. Ray was on the receiving end of much of Neela's roller-coaster emotions.

"Neela, you don't have to do this."

"Yes Ray, I do. There is no way to get out of this."

"I'm sure Carter or even Weaver would do your part as well."

"So, are you saying that I'm incompetent?"

"I'm not questioning your competence."

"So, then what are you saying?"

"Neela. I'm worried."

"So you do think that I'm incompetent."

His dad had warned him about his mother's pregnancy with him. They were times when Cynthia was downright scary when she was in the mood. Even, on occasion, the late Reverend Sullivan had told stories where Jamie's mother had threw a couple of bibles at him when she was pregnant. However, Ray didn't need any prior advice to know to tread carefully.

"I can see that you are upset, Neela."

"I'm not upset, Ray," of course her statement was completely contradictory to the scowl on her face.

"I love you, Neela and I'm proud of you as a doctor, as a wife," as he tentatively, encircled his arms around her, he added, "and as a mother."

"I love you too, Ray."

Despite the reassurances from her husband, Neela was just too nervous. The presentation had been a bust, but both Carter and Weaver were on hand, to salvage the outcome. Neela felt that she was a total disappointment, but as she recalled Ray's loving declaration, she knew that to him, she had nothing to prove. She should just let nature take its course.

End of Chapter 23

* * *

AN: I hope that the pace of the chapter isn't too slow. I'm just trying to depict some of the conversations that any couple would have. It's a lot of poetic license involved, since the show doesn't show us this aspect of the Reela relationship. Hope you guys enjoyed it. 


	25. 24 The Enduring Power of Love

Standard disclaimers applied. See Prologue for further details.

**Author's Note**: Some of you may recognize the occasional reference to my other story, "By Correspondence." No worries though, you don't need to have read that one to understand this.

* * *

**Chapter 24: The Enduring Power of Love**

The year had brought many tidings and many blessings. For the Barnetts, the time passed had been a blur. Liked many expecting parents, they had been experiencing the ups and downs of their first pregnancy. Amniocentesis, genetic screening, ultrasounds and doctor checkups were kept up to date. Neela had taken on a lighter workload in the ER, mostly admission duties with Jerry or the occasional suturing that was done with Ray being in the next exam room. She was slightly smothered by the attention, although she gradually accepted to be the new norm.

She wasn't the only one expecting though. Abby was also pregnant with her first with Luka, the two had decided to elope once and for all. The ER was buzzing with jokes that perhaps, there was something in the water at County.

It was just like any typical afternoon when the two women were browsing for maternity clothes, even though, Abby was hardly showing. All of a sudden, Neela was seized with uncontrolled cramping. Grimacing with pain and uneven breaths, the Indian doctor could barely blurt out the words, "I think... it's ... contractions."

One frantic phone call later, it was answered by none other than Tony Gates and Zadro White. All joking aside, a call was put through to County "32 year old age primigravida (1), complains of sharp, consistent abdominal pains ..."

Within less than hour, a diagnosis was made, she had a miscarriage. There were no warning signs, no prior family history of birthing problems, but still, she had lost the baby. Ray was called away from the case that he had been working to answer a frantic page. Abby's face offered sympathy, "Go to her, Ray. She needs you now."

It seemed as though fate had been playing a cruel joke on them. Neela blamed herself, and was halfway convinced that Ray would be mad and leave her. On the other hand, Ray felt that he should have been there to take care of Neela, rather than working at the time.

They were passionate people and they cared deeply. For a time, they took no comfort in each other's presence. Neela was staring at the opposite wall, while Ray was not making any progress by looking at Neela's back. They could not bring themselves to think about the fetus, that was considered medically, not viable (2).

News spread in the ER about the tragedy and every means were made to give their friends the privacy that they very much needed. Minutes melted into hours, hours eventually became a day. Neela was checked out and considered physically well. Grief was not so easily dismissed. She and Ray managed to pull themselves together to make some arrangements for the fetus, but that was all that she could do.

Parama came on the third day, but she and Neela resorted to a shouting match. The younger sister had unintentionally said, "Maybe, it wasn't meant to be. You and Ray are both healthy people. You can try again."

"How do you know that it wasn't meant to be? Why did it have to be mine? This pregnant could have been our first baby! You can't just come barging in here, and just write everything off. You haven't changed, Parama - always so perfect."

"I'm just trying to be helpful, Neela."

"I would hardly think that you are the person to understand, after having two children with your ex-husband."

The sisters resorted to a silent treatment. Parama was still teaching her belly dancing class for pregnant women, so she was hardly in the position to offer any more sympathetic advice. Likewise with Abby who was expecting herself, she tried to avoid the Barnetts due to the awkwardness and self-doubts.

It was Kerry Weaver who tried to bridge things together. She herself, suffered a miscarriage and was in the position to say that she understood some of the emotions that the Barnetts were feeling. "Take all the time that you need. Know that you have people who care about you and you have each other."

She suggested that they took a trip down to North Carolina. "Sometimes, it's good to get away from everything for awhile."

Ray and Neela agreed to this as they both could not go back to the apartment that was now furnished with a baby products, nursery furniture and new wallpaper that was put up for the pending birth. Cynthia Carter mourned the loss with them, but she opened her arms for the two grieving parents.

Neela steadfastly erected a shield around herself and Ray was reverting back to his former shell just after Jamie's death. The day was usually filled with forced small talks while little appetite was found at the table. Neela more often than not, found an excuse to escape first, then followed shortly by Ray himself.

However tonight, Cynthia stopped her son from getting up from the table, with these words, "Landon."

"Ma, I'm sorry."

"Landon, I know that it seems life has been especially unkind to you. You have suffered a great deal of death and suffering but there isn't one day that I'm not proud of you. I am thankful to call you my son and have Neela as my daughter-in-law."

"Ma. I'm tired."

"Before you abandon this wonderful life that you have, I think you should read this." She placed an object near his hand before excusing herself from the table. It was Jamie's book.

-o-o-

He found her near the docks, facing the waters. She turned to acknowledge his presence before returning to the scene before her.

"Neela."

He was met by silence, but he tried again. "Neela, come back to me."

"How can you stand by me, after all of this? How can your mother accept me into her home?

"Because we love you and it's not your fault."

"I was carrying that baby, Ray. I should have known that something was wrong."

"Then, I should have know as well because I am your husband."

Reaching out to clasp her trembling hands in his, he pulled her closer to him. Tears rolled down her cheeks and dampened his shirt, but he paid no mind to this. He leaned down to kiss her hair before murmuring the long-forgotten words that were written in Jamie's book,

Love is patient and kind;  
Love is not jealous or boastful;  
it is not arrogant or rude.  
Love does not insist on its own way;  
it is not irritable or resentful;  
it does not rejoice at wrong,  
but rejoices in the right.  
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

I Corinthians 13:4

These had been the very words that blessed the union of Jamie Sullivan and Landon Carter. They served as a pledge to everlasting love. It was seemingly appropriate in a time when faith seemed to waver and times were bleak. As Neela looked up into Ray's eyes, she could not doubt the sincerity in her words. She realized that he grieved for the lost just as deeply as she did, but it would not deter him from having a future with her. "Are you ready to begin again?" he asked.

"With you by my side, always."

End of Chapter 24

* * *

AN: Yes, this story is truly coming to an end. As much as I had hoped to continue further, I find that this to be an appropriate ending. As the cliche goes, all good things must come to an end. An EPILOGUE will follow after this, along with an extended author's note and additional explanations. Stay tune.

(1) primigravida - woman who is pregnant for the first time

(2) 'not viable' - about 22-24 weeks, the fetus is considered to be at the age of viability, meaning it can live outside the womb. Neela miscarried after 5 months (20 weeks).


	26. Epilogue Reassurances from the Wind

Standard disclaimers applied. See Prologue for further details.

**Author's Note**: This is final chapter of 'In This Life.' I wanted to wrap up everything in an epilogue. Enjoy and be sure to read the extended author's note and additional explanations at the end.

* * *

**Epilogue - The Gentle Reassurances from the Wind**

One must wonder if there was a happy ending for Ray and Neela Barnett. From outward appearances, they seemed so different. He had a fetish for air guitars and loud music, while she was into curry cooking and spoke with a British accent. They set off to be roommates, strictly for convenience purposes because they worked in the same hospital. In fact, they weren't interested in any type of romantic relationship with anyone because they both had suffered the deaths of loved ones previously.

Yet, they found themselves falling in love and eventually tying the knot. Their life together was filled with both happiness and tribulations. There were both surprises and heartaches along the way, but that was the course of life.

After the miscarriage, Ray and Neela were forced to reexamine themselves. They had began a life in Chicago, a place where they established their careers and relationships. They had a great deal of mutual friends and colleagues. However, that was only one chapter, so perhaps, it was time to begin another.

Meanwhile, Neela reconciled with Parama. The younger Ragostra never remarried again but was contented with living Tony Gates and sharing with her ex-husband, the custody of her two children. She expanded her dancing studio to be part-time professional teacher for pregnant women, while taking a position full-time as a choreographer at a local theatre.

Abby had two twin daughters, Sophia Mae and Alexis Marie Kovac. She and Luka still lived in Chicago, but after the birth, Abby had devoted much of her time on the OB floor instead of the ER. Susan and Pratt were still there, taking on fresh medical students as they come. Kerry, still omnipresent in the ER was taking more administrative duties with County General. The hospital was seeing new faces, as old doctors moved away and others transferred to other places. Neela and Ray were among the former who decided to move to North Carolina. They had taken up residences near Beaufort, but closer to the city where Worth Carter was living in.

They did try to again with another baby. The nine months of waiting were agonizing and Neela went on leave much earlier and stayed in bed most of the time. It was trying with little stimulation and even less ambulation. However, the Barnetts bore the time with patience, faith, and love. Neela ended up having a C-section to give birth to a daughter, Reina Sharmis Barnett.

The expanding Barnett family visited Ray's childhood home often. On one of these occasions, when Ray was rummaging through some boxes in his old room, he came across an worn piece of legal paper. Some of the writing were faded and other parts were crossed off. At first glance, it could be mistaken for a shopping list, but he knew better.

Long ago, it had served as guide of all the things that he wanted to do with his life. Some of them were naive adolescent dreams. Some were a bit farfetched, while others, he had accomplished at various points in his life. Back then, one of the biggest things was for him to leave Beaufort and attend medical school. He had done both, and now, finding himself enjoying the pleasures that life had to offer. More often than not, he counted his blessings of having Neela and Reina in this life.

It was at this moment that the said wife joined her husband by his side as she wrapped her arms across his waist. "What are you doing here by yourself?"

In a witty fashion, he answered, "I'm no longer by myself." He led her outside and onto the docks. The sun was just about to set, but the night chills has yet to descend upon them.

"What were you thinking about just before I came?" she asked him to break the comfortable silence.

"You and our daughter."

"And, what conclusions have you come to?"

"That, I am truly blessed."

"Any regrets?"

Shaking his head, he asked her in turn. "No regrets. A long time ago, I told Parama rather vehemently, that only I can live this life. I'll be the one to make my own happiness."

"And, are you happy?"

"Didn't you once tell me that true happiness is a relative term? You only need to believe like you trust in the existence of the wind. And you know what, Ray? I do believe as strongly as the fact that you are standing next to me right now and like you, I am truly blessed."

All words dissolved as they shared a kiss against the backdrop of the brilliant waters in this little port town. A southerly wind caressed the two figures, subtly reminding them that in this life, it is filled with hopes, dreams, and love.

**The End**

**

* * *

**

AUTHOR'S NOTES

A total of chapter 26 later, 'In this Life' comes to an end. I could not have done this without reader's support. A huge thank you goes out to all of you who have stuck with this until the very end. No amount of words could express my appreciations.

Initially, this story started out as a little experiment. I had written about eight chapters, before I tested reader's response by posting the prologue which was followed shortly by the first chapter. My own reluctance and fear comes from the fact that I had seen very little of Season 12 of ER. Not only that, the last time that I had seen A Walk to Remember was around the time that it came out on video. Yet I was determined to make this little idea work, so, armed with a bit of medical background, and information from various internet sites, I began to write.

Crossovers are especially tricky because not everybody is familiar with the storylines. I had to establish a background for both, while maintaining true to the characters as well as the original themes. I hoped that by the end that I had accomplished this.

On the Title

The title is simplistic but it essentially summarizes the most general theme of this story. It is about the lives of two people in their most vulnerable and triumphant moments. I thought that it was seemingly appropriate for the story to begin in Beaufort and to come home full circle when they realize that another chapter of their lives is beginning.

Important Concepts

There is no doubt that love, faith, belief, and grief all played important roles. At the central focus is the relationship between Ray and Neela. However, they are affected by the 'loves' between Neela and Gallant, Landon and Jamie, Neela and Parama, Ray / Landon with his parents, and on a more subtle level, Landon with the Reverend along Neela and her parents.

On faith and beliefs, I didn't want to be overly preachy. However, as I mentioned previously in different parts of the story, it played a vital role in the development of Landon in AWTR, hence the inclusion. While I understand, Neela would probably be following a different religion, I think that the idea of having faith is truly universal.

On the Characters

I had done a little bit of research online and read various Reela fics before attempting a few of them on my own. As I began to write about Neela, I needed to differentiate her from Jamie in AWTR, but then further the qualities that would make her 'attractive' to Landon / Ray. No doubt, she is intelligent and passionate. She has her own sense of humour but she is dealing with a lot of grief. Like most, she may not have the perfect home life. Yet, there is an endearing quality to her that is truly unique. It is this that Ray eventually falls in love with.

For Ray, I am fortunately that I have a lot to work with from the character that is initially established in AWTR. Yet, it is also a bit of a stretch because I have to mould him to fit the persona that makes him lovable in the ER. Therein lies the challenge, because I have to infer a lot about his character. I think that in the end, I have constructed enough depth that makes him believable.

I had a lot of fun playing with the character of Gates. I got various reviews where some readers were initially turned off by his portrayal in the show. Again, I had to infer about his character but I am glad that I have convinced some of you that he can be a good guy underneath it all. He is like Ray at his wittiest which at times, can be sickeningly annoying. However, it is this that makes him subtly observant and sarcastically honest. I'm glad that I had to chance to diversify his role in the fanfic world.

Parama, my original female character had taken me by surprise as the story progressed. I didn't realize what role she would play until the end. I was very worried that I might dissolve her to be a Mary Sue - a character that is too perfect and too unlikeable. Ironically, her name means 'the best.' Yet, she was part of some critical moments that contribute to the ultimate felicity of our Reela couple. She has her faults, but she has own moments as well. Setting her up with Gates was a pleasure because they both had a way with words!

Final Thoughts

So, some of you may be wondering what's next for me. I think that there is little chance for a full-feature sequel for this story. Believe me, developing this story was hard enough, but I think that I have done justice to this particular Reela. Still, I am not dismissing the idea of writing vignettes about their married life in North Carolina, the birth of Reina, etc that pertains to this story. We'll see how quickly the muse recovers and whether there is an interest in these stories.

As we speak, my other fic, "By Correspondence" is wrapping up which expands on this alternate universe that I have created. Also, some shameless promotion here: **Infinite-Endings** has began an account of LUBY-related stories which deals with the world that stemmed from, "In This Life" and "By Correspondence." As well, there will probably be more Reela-related fics from there which doesn't deal with this particular storyline. Check it out.

Anyways, I will like to take another moment to thank all my readers and reviewers both old and new. You guys have been awesome.


End file.
